It is not my place to be dictating someone else's life. But I do feel disappointed all the same when I come accross news of people who have given up on things in their lives. In particular, studies. I'm not one of those people who are academically inclined. Even studying won't guarantee me a pass. That's how bad I am in my studies. But no matter how difficult it is for me to study and get through exams, it never cross my mind to give up studying. Alvin says that the will to continue studying lies in knowing what your purpose is in studying. I haven found that purpose yet. But that still doesn't make me want to give up studying. If the spiritual side of you is doing nothing to motivate you, the practical side would still exist to push you on. Right? Well, apparently, there're alot of silly young people walking on the streets who have decided to burn their books and never return to them again.

He doesn't surprise me anymore. The only thing on his sid enow is time. Hope he wakes up soon enough to realise how silly he was. In the emantime, I don't see how he can be satisfied just selling sandwiches.

Therein lies sorrow in happiness.

Kevin Kern writes lovely songs. I have been intrigued by Kevin Kern's compositions of late. The title of his songs piques my curiosity. His titles may reflect happy cheerful themes, sometimes they reflect reminiscent of childhood as well. But the compositions don't always mirror the titles. They are melodious, and tranquil, mostly written in major keys. However, there is this element of ... sadness in his songs. not of great sorrow, or depression. Just sadness. He writes in major keys, yet is able to bring out sombreity. Such is the mystery and allure in his compositions. Each piece is a reflection of many things in life. The only thing I hope I am able to do to bring justice to his songs, is to try playing each piece as best as I can. Absolutely lovely.

Simplicity is key. To be able to express complexity in simple terms is important. In fact, it is what counts when expressing thoughts. The law lecturer always emphasizes on writing in simple terms. I cannot agree on that more than enough. I have always admired people who can bring accross their points simply and clearly. These are also the people who are able to transform complex analogies on life and their happenings in a way that is simple, comprehensive and yet refreshing at the same time. I can only hope that I'll be able to do so as well, with time and practice.

If everything were that simple.

We were sitting on swings. and lamenting about how things cannot be as simple as it used to be when we were a child. Our appetite just gets greater and greater as we grow older. We want more and more things. And it takes even greater effort to acquire satisfaction.

Would you want to go back to being a child again?

Well, I wouldn't. Living as a child again, means having to go through the painful process of growing up all over again. Sure, I would do many things differently if I were to be a child again. But having to journey through childhood is tiresome. Let's just say that I'm an impatient person. I would rather fast forward to the near future, to see what the maturing process is like. I would embrace death even, when it comes.

Remember the happy uplifting feeling you felt when you were on a swing as a child? Rmbr telling the person swinging you : higher! higher! or stop! stop! too high!

I remember feeling so happy on swings and screaming for my dad to swing me higher. He would say : cannot la! too high already! later you fall off! but he'll still continue to give the swing a gentle push, just so that i can continue swinging, though not necessary higher.

What we get now on swings are headaches or giddiness. swings still make me glower with child-like anticipation. Especially when the playgrounds now rarely have swings and sands just like the good old days. But i can never feel that simple satisfaction and happiness when swinging on one anymore.

If only there was neverland...

i'm dead. i'm dead. i'm so dead.

I should be studying instead of typing this.

But oh well!

They fought. He should have given way theoretically. But he did what he had to, in self-defence. Yes. They dislike each other. Its a pity. They were close in the past.

I don't even know her. She looks fine, no bitchy face whatsoever. But I still dislike her. I dislike her very much. I dislike her with a vengeance. No prize for guessing why.

ARGH! She used my pen. I so don't want it anymore.

ARGH! My watch is still with him. I want it back.

Poor H. He just got released from the hospital, and had to go back in again.

I don't know whether to laugh or cry for him. I laughed anyway. haha. I couldn't help it. Hope he's alright.

I've been going around in circles. But I woke up realising something. I only want one thing. and all the beating around the bush were just excuses. I was just defensive about the one thing that I really wanted. I used to be able to get this one thing, just by reaching out my hands. Sometimes a little pull and tug is required. But I had no qualms laying out my bare hands and playing my part to obtain this thing. But somehow, shit happened. and I learnt that doing that is dangerous. and will only end with misery if the outcome is not as expected. I'm not as forthcoming as i was anymore. instead of awaiting hard knocks to topple me, I prefer to protect myself with layers of bricks, pretty paint and varnish.

It is becoming so difficult to trust again. I'm not a suspicious person by nature. I trust very willingly and easily. But that is before shit happened. There is now a tussle between wanting to be bought over, and wanting to steer myself out of harm's way. I hate the feeling of being restrained by my subconscious constantly reminding me to step back. I feel tired. Yet, I know that this is the right thing to do. My instincts tells me that its not time to step over. I was almost won over by circumstances which dictates otherwise. But then, the very same circumstance that gave me the green light to step forward, pulled me by the hair and dragged me back again.

I wonder why he has such mean words for his brother. Could he be jealous? afterall, sibling rivalry can be quite vicious. Or could it be that he was telling the truth, as he had no reason to lie to me, since he regards me as a good friend. He says, its his brother. of course he'll know his brother better than an outsider. But then again, I still find it dubious. He keeps to himself all the time, and isn't close to this brother in particular. So how would he be able to view things in an unbiased way?

My gut feeling tells me they dislike each other. But I'm not sure who dislikes the other more. Both are driving me crazy. I hear different sides to a story. they both seem dubious, but could also be the truth, at the same time. Perhaps they're not lies, but merely uncompleted truths.

Do you believe in karma?

I'm starting to. Its good that there is something that can kind of explain things that is very difficult to explain with logic.

When really bad things happen, and you fall so deeply that there seems to be no bottom, don't give up. allow yourself to wallow, but leave some space for light. because something very good might happen after this. Things are already bad as it is. take it as a test of your endurance. Only when you experience the worse, then will you be able to experience the best.
You may be very rich, but unhappy, or you may be very rich, but die young. Its karma.

I so totally dig this analogy. Its by S.

You are my sunshine after the rain

=)

Went to watch national league basketball match! Brings back lots of secondary school and jc memories. So old school. haha. But I enjoyed it. The only difference between watching a match then and now, is that the standard in this one is definitely much higher. The footwork and techniques were really nifty. I was so close to standing up and cheering when someone slam dunked, not caring if its the opponent team who did the dunk. The three-pointers were amazing too. something which is quite rare when you watch secondary school students, or Jc basketballers play.

They should have put him on longer. His energy is incredible. Its really different with him running ard on court, compared to the 'old birds' (pardon me! they're very good players though!). They could possibly have done much better with him around on court. I know there are issues on experience and profession. But when you play against a youthful team like yesterday's match, you need more than just experience and skill. you need stamina and energy, and a presence on court, which they didn't seem to exude. Even the warm ups were a mess.(pardon me from saying this! really!) Anyhow, I really hope he just gets better and better with these older players taking him under their wings.

I really enjoyed the match. I should make that place my second home after the exams.
Minie and jeanie! you missed an exciting match! and there were so many many shuai ges ard. (no pretty girls though) There was at least one guy in ang-gong(dragon tattoos!) in every team. But they're really good players. Both of you better come for the subsequent matches! haha.

I don't know what to think anymore. So I give up. Speaking of giving up. There's alot of things that I've been tempted to give up on recently. As I was studying last night, I was strugging with the dreaded tax, so much so that I had a strong desire just to get married, bear a few kids and be a housewife for the rest of my life. I know different professions would bring with them different kinds of stress and difficulties, housewife included. But I would really rather be taking care of kids than study. Pardon me. that's the lazy me talking.

Yes. Song is right. The same thing is indeed happening. The appearance of another Yuanyuan. but in a less sinister form. I'm not gonna be bothered by it. because I need to study.

He called me 'sister'. wad the fuck.

I should clarify. The baby is a childhood friend. Not baby as in boyfriend. Its just his nickname.

I used to have a major crush on him. and I even remember getting into a scuffle with another friend because we both liked him. We lost contact through the years, even though we only lived on opposite blocks from each other. It is only recently that we started talking to each other again. I was really caught offguard how we talked up a storm about everything. I'm just very glad that he's back. He's been listening to my nonsense these past few nights.

It feels good to have a friend who's a national basketball player. haha.

But....I still musn't let my guard down.

Yesterday, I saw how easy it is to fall into the same trap again.

Because things are so bad, crying won't help. So you find someone who would sit with you till the wee hours of the morning, listening to you whine, grumble and complain. Knowing as to how confiding in a girlfriend at this level will only annoy and eventually invite more trouble, so I sought out the baby, whom I'm glad to have found at this ridiculous time of need.

That is why I don't believe in platonic relationships. Being too needy will invite trouble. and so I shall keep my distance. Must not be like all the other girls who throw themselves at him.

Baby is such a baby!

haha. got reunited with the baby. He's such an interesting person. and he has such nice arm and calf muscles! He has sexy 6 packs too! which I tried to punch but got bruised knuckles instead.

glad to have found the baby =)

We're still argueing on two parellel lines. Always. You never did get anything.

I was never angry at you for the 'wrong' advices you gave me. They weren't wrong. I still don't think they were wrong. You were always my alter-ego, reaffirming me on what I already planned to do, but was hesitant on doing. I never blamed you for any negative outcomes.

I'm too lazy to try and construct an entry counter reacting to yours.
Because we're argueing on two different wavelengths. I don't have the patience to straighten out my thoughts.

We're just two very different people who express our affections very differently. Seeing as such, I don't see how we can work out anymore.

I will have you know that I love all my friends very much. and I will always stick up for my friends. as long as i knw that they deserve it. I don't stick up for anyone just because I wish for them to also do the same for me when circumstance requires it. I never ever think twice when I do anything for any of my friends. whether financially or otherwise.

I was referring to sian boon on the post on the three words.

I will only ever trust and love this girl for the rest of eternity.

with utmost sincerity
aileen

Not caring too much is good. Not caring at all is even better. That comes easily for me, just as how caring alot comes naturally.

Life has dealt me many blows. I'm not blind to the lessons that I am meant to learn. I see my true ugly self, I see my faults, I see my flaws. I am reluctant to change these character flaws even though I see them. But I'm definitely not in self-denial. It is amusing how people can have the lessons that are meant for them to learn written out so clearly in their daily lives, but they just refuse to acknowledge it. They prolly see it, but are in self denial and refuse to acknowledge it, or they are too closed-minded to see it. being too absorbed trying to chase after dreams, perfections, and the seemingly possible but in fact impossible. When you are faced with someone who's mistakes are so freaking glaring, staring them in their faces, and yet they choose to see it as beautiful, wonderful, romantic.or..whatever...you're helpless. You want to shake the person up down left right and slap her left right up down. But because that would render you a psycopath if done, you're left with nothing to do, but watch with mouth gaping and eyebrows raised skyhigh. I don't know whether I should be glad or not, to have met two such people. Thank goodness, of which, one isn't a close friend, just an aquaintaince.

I don't care about you and what you do anymore. I cannot muster enough strength to care. Because you're such an imbecile.(pardon me for the strong use of vocab) Caring for someone like you would be too energy consuming. I try and accept you for who you are. But that's not possible anymore. Because I've reached the limit to my tolerance. I don't want to try to express to you what being your friend is like. That would be too difficult. But I shall just summarise it. I don't particularly enjoy being in your company anymore. There was a time when I thought I could just grit my teeth and close an eye to your imbecility. But time revealed a large rift that is impossible to patch. I don't want to try anymore. because it seems that I'm always the one trying. Its exhausting.

like I said. We are all ugly. That is the truth. Any notions of bringing out the good in your souls through the evolution of time, or nurturing our good innate self through crossing paths with others, totally bullcrap. shitcrap.

I have held back writing this for long enough. It is strangely pricking my nerves even more than usual. Probably because of the exam stress. I have to get it off my chest.

Our basal self isn't one that is innocent, honest and good. Adam and Eve spoilt that for us when they ate the fruit from the forbidden tree. We all have motives when we do something. How often do you drag a friend out because you want to spend time with your friend, and not because you want to do something and need company. How often do you actually call a friend up and ask : what would you like to do today? instead of : let's go do this and this. Very few of us actually do that. Its something that people do unconciously. I only realised this on an ocassion of extreme depression. To put it in a nice way, people usually think of the activity they want to do first, before finding someone whom they would enjoy the company of. To put it blatantly, we make use of each other. Its not nice to see it spelt out so clearly. But that's just what it is. I 'm not shirking any responsibility and denying i ever do such things. Like I said, everyone is this way. It is our basal nature.

Why is life a complication? we humans are designed anatomically in a way that is sophisticatry in the highest form. Just studying the brain alone would automatically disallow you from studying the heart as well. That's why we have specialist in the medical field. brain surgeons, gynaelogist, heart surgeon, optomologist...etc. Life is then made complicated, because we humans will it to be so. Life can only present to you sets of scenarios or circumstances. Life can throw you obstacles and bring you on roller coster rides. But these may not be complications. They're just like mere facts being served to you on a platter. Its up to you how you want to seperate your dishes, which to eat first, what to discard, whether to finish up the whole platter. See? in making these decisions, the human brain is at work. So how can you say that life is complicated?

I don't want to counter argue about the rest of the entries I put up previously. There is a reason as to why I post entries. It may be because of events I encounter, or people who provoked. That entry wasn't just a mere shell, something for you to argue about with words and phrases seemingly beautiful but in fact meaningless. It is about something that bothered me tremendously. Writing is all the release that I have. Seeing as that I've become sort of a recluse. Please don't take that away from me. I would also appreciate it if you stop quoting my quotes. They're mine. and they're put up there because of something that happened as well. Its fine if you want it on your blog as well, for whatever reasons you have. But pls at least put a disclaimer saying that its from my blog. Its not nice to just extract and not acknowledge.

We are a mass of complications. We have souls that are maleable, which changes characteristics according to what we see and like. When we see a person who is everything we want to be ourselves, we emulate the person. When we see a person who stands out, but in a very sophisticated way, we try to figure out what makes the person tick, and extract a little of her sophistication for our own use. When our friends manage to get the things they want, we question, how come she gets it? I want it too. If I try and be like her, I'll probably succeed as well. So that's why they say that you bring a little part of your frens with you in each passing day. You pick and take characteristics from people whom you've crossed paths with and make it your own. You change a little of your thinking everytime someone shares with you their thoughts and feelings. You argue your point across as well, since you don't want to be seen as someone who just absorbs like a sponge and has no opinions. But neverthless, the other person will always affect you more than you think she/he would. You would stick to your point of view vehemently. But you know deep down, she'he has a point. What makes you the person that you are, will remain, in essence. But we're a mass of complications, because we have maleable souls.

Jo says nothing ever surprises him anymore. including me.

Its not that I don't know right from wrong anymore. Its just that the wrong seems to blend in with the right. What seems wrong then, doesn't seem very wrong anymore.

Two wrongs don't make a right.

It being a social norm, doesn't natuarally make it the right thing to do. But, being the open -minded person that I am, I shall look at it at different perspectives, instead of judging, which I'm very tempted to do. But manage to restraint from doing.

I'm talking about pre-marital sex.

Quite coincidently, a few days ago, I found a pamphlet on the table, with the caption 'sex in a relationship'. of course there were differing views. I'm just glad that there were still people who felt that virginity is sacred and should be saved for marriage. Sadly, these kind of encouraging comments were far and few, and printed in small font.

So if you ask me if I'm for or against sleeping with a boyfriend, I seriously have no answer for that. I only know that I won't be showing my bare ass to anyone i've known for a short period of time. However much I may love the person, however easily I may trust a person, sex is a different dimension from your everyday kissing and fondling. There are many risk involved in performing the act. I will first need to know, if the partner I'm sleeping with is worth all the trouble. think birth control, think contraception pills, think side effects (besides having bigger boobs) think sleepless nights worrying abt the period. think PREGNANCY. The mere thought of pregnancy is enough to send shivers down my back.

Whatever your reasons for doing it, don't try to defend yourself. I'm sure you KNOW what you're doing. like you've always known what you were doing. in the very distant past, in the very present, and let's hope, in the future as well. keep it up.

Sing like no one's listening,
love like you've never been hurt,
dance like nobody's watching,
and live like its heaven on earth.”


don't cry because its over.
smile because it happened.


One day you'll miss me like I miss you
One day you'll cry for me like I cried for you
One day you'll love me, and I won't love you.

(Mark twain)

be a quiet social butterfly or a bubbly loner

A thought suddenly occured to me the other day.

Have you ever observed someone else's desperate desire to hold on to something? A mother desperately trying to rein her uncontrollable daughter in, A wife desperately trying to onto a marriage that is crumbling, A person desperately trying to hold onto someone who has already turned their back.

It is an ugly scene. The party doing the holding on, would display all sorts of actions and behaviours very untypical to what he or she would normally do. In the act of desperation, nothing matters more than to be able to grasp the person and to pull the person to your side. Your life, career, family, friends, pride, everything is cast aside. everything is at stake if one does not manage to succeed. When you are next to a person like that, you would feel that the person is a total stranger. Things you wouldn't expect one would do, one does it. and one does it all.

I must have terrified you all. But I think the person most terrified of my odd actions and behaviours, was myself. I couldn't understand what and why I was laying down everything for a bugger. I most certainly was not able to stop, take a deep breath and step away to look at myself from the sides. Well, you might come up with the arguement that no one could have reflected on their own being when they're put in such circumstances. But I chide myself because I've been in a similar situation before.

This thought didn't occur to me until late. I felt a sense of dejavu. but couldn't quite put a finger to it. As I was desperately trying to hold on to him, my mother was desperately trying to rein me in. backtrack almost four years ago, I tried desperately to hold on to a friend whom I felt was slipping further and further away from me. I remember trying so hard. the outings, telephone conversations and the many text messages. the normal person that I am, is proud, conceited, cool, level headed and sensible. All that was thrown out the window and down the drain during the two seperate incidents.

I am ashamed of myself. I vow never to allow anyone to peel off my tough exterior again. Losing control of oneself is a scary thing. The worse thing is that it happens when you're least aware.

I hear a happy ending at last.

I'm not one who is cynical. Although sometimes I do gripe about the mysteries of life and grumble about the decay of humanity, I'm still positively optimistic deep down. I definitely do not believe there is a cure for the downward spiral of morals amongst we mortal beings, neither do I believe that I can be the cure for the dying earth, what with global warming and the likes. But I do believe that in the midst of life's tragedies, darkness, ugliness and decay, there exist a source of light, which is goodness and happiness.

People always say that happy endings are cliched and rare. I happen to think so too. but that still does not make me a cynic. It only motivates me more, to sit tight and enjoy the ride that life brings me on, while waiting for my own happy ending.

Happy endings might not necessarily only refer relationships. It can refer to many things. up to how one would look at it. Mine would encompass everything. am I too greedy?

still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
still a little hard to say what's going on

still a little bit of your ghost your witness
still a little bit of your face i haven't kissed
you step a little closer each day
that I can´t say what´s going on

stones taught me to fly
love, taught me to lie
life, taught me to die
so it's not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball

still a little bit of your song in my ear
still a little bit of your words i long to hear
you step a little closer to me
so close that I can´t see what's going on

I'm not an ardent fan of damien rice. But I definitely love this song very much.

Why is there a need to say so much when a single word is able to explain everything?
When in doubt, just call.

He is never one who is comfortable about expressing his thoughts and feelings. For him, yes means yes, and no means no, don't have to elaborate. Yes means ok.positive. no means, not ok. negative. Things are that straight forward to him. or is not? This probably doesn't represent the entire male population, because that came from Chong. I was discussing with him how much I loath one-word answers, or one liners. I always think people who give these irritating replies are people who cannot be bothered and couldn't care less about you. They don't care enough to want to type in full sentences, or to explain or elaborate. These one-word or one liner replies contain alot of meanings in them. I was trying to explain that they could be a means of showing anger, annoyance, or just a total lack of consideration. Well, turns out that the meanings encoded could be this simple: if one word is enough to convey a message, why is there a need to type in more? whether one is angry, frustrated, moody, or does not care abt the person receiving the message, as long as the message is conveyed, nothing else matters. fullstop. that is Chong for you.

I still loathe one word replies. I used to make it a point not to do precisely the things that I dislike in others. But because I feel no one seems to feel mutually about it, I desensitised myself from it. The result is then to do unto others what I would not want others to do to me. It contradicts. But it always feels better when you let your feelings go abit and not be too concerned or emotional about things.

I will always remember what this person said:
don't care. heck care. fuck care.

If it makes one feel better, then why not?

You know how we throw 'iloveyous' everywhere and all the time now adays? I've been thinking whether they mean it when they say it. Or is it just another phrase they say because something you did lifted their moods. or they just say it because they're in good spirits.

Anyhow, the phrase is much used, until it becomes diluted. I realised the only person I appreciate so so so much in the world, besides my family, doesn't really receive 'iloveyous' from me either. Neither does she say it. But I feel it. I hope its the same for her. See? I still believe that the greater the love, the less likely it can be contained into the 3 words. These 3 words are just not enough.

Actions will always always always speak louder than words. Only one who is blind won't see it. Love isn't just a feeling. Its visual.

It is really easy to ignore someone you don't like, or if you don't have the least bit interest in their lives.

That's what I realised everytime he tries to keep in touch. Some people just don't get the hint. either that, or they're in self denial. I'm not completely a witch, its just that, there're some people you just don't click with.

He always says : my life is totally pointless.

That got me thinking. I loathe people who have no ambition in life, who bum around doing nothing. People who have ambitions but still bum ard is another matter. I wouldn't despise someone so much if he at least had an ambition. But this person here gets on my nerves, because he is nothing. nothing at all. everytime I probe and ask him about his future, I don't get a response at all. he's really just an empty sheet of paper. not exactly clean. but empty. How the hell does one connect with such a person? beats me.

I'm sure there's more than only one reason why one ignores another. But I came to a conclusion that, if one cares enough about another, then one would not ignore another. am I making enough sense here?

when anyone ignores me now, I know the reason. that's because i don't mean enough to the person. another dispensable being. just like tissue paper. It sounds rather harsh. But its reality.

But its ok. I will always have sianboon with me.

Life isn't exactly a mess now. It has quieten down significantly. But that's only at surface level. But delve deeper, and I realised I'm losing control. There's a huge pile of notes leftover from my days of fun that I haven had time to consolidate. Law is fun, but I don't think I have enough time to finish revising. F5 is fun too. cuz its maths and common sense. But I haf been stuck on law and tax for the longest time that I'm neglectnig it. Tax is gone case. somebody save my soul. Thank goodness I'm not self-destructive. No point sccumulating more ugly scars jus because of the situation now.

What compels you to say goodbye everytime you, or someone leaves the house?

That's because, that may very well be the last words you say to the person.


Very often we take things for granted. We take for granted that our families will be intact, that our parents will always be with us, our siblings most importantly, will never leave us, because it seems that they live just to torture us. Since saying 'Iloveyous' and hugs and kisses everyday isn't in our culture, a simple 'goodbye' or 'i'm back!' should then suffice. I used to leave the house without saying a word. My sis would say 'goodbye!' wherever she was. even when she's in the toilet, she'll scream a 'goodbye!' to me. I never thought much of it. until I asked her one day why that was necessary. She gave me an answer that I'll never forget. from then on, I try to always say 'goodbye!' when I leave the house, or when someone else leaves the house. One shouldn't live life with regrets.

The only way to avoid feeling the weight of your actions on others is to feint ignorance

The only way to avoid feeling pain is to be nonchalent.

Memories are haunting. People may come and go throughout your lives, and a certain part of them are etched into you as they pass through. Whether they made you happy or sad, they leave footprints in the form of memories.

Pleasant and happy memories with people whom you had once come into contact with or with whom you still come into contact with, makes you smile at odd times when these pops up unexpectedly, or when something reminds you of them. You reminisce about times long forgotten, and wish fervently that you could turn back time, to experience that fresh peels of laughter, and those radiant faces and smiles so bright, they lit up the night. Not that you are not happy now. But as age catches up, smiles fade, and days grow shorter while night lengthens.You might also probably be enjoying life now, but with different people whose personalities contrast startkly with those you shared those happy memories with. Not that you don't enjoy the company you're having now. But people who grow up together with you since young are still more special than people you meet half way through your live. So those memories are sacred. Footprints that are etched so deeply, no amount of catastrophies can drown them out.

As deeply etched are the good memories, the bad ones resemble stubborn stains as well. That's why memories can be haunting. It is so easy for people to just leave or disappear from your lives, soemtimes without even leaving trails (except for memories of course) But what ultimately sticks are the memories. I don't think those who do the vanishing act actually feel as strongly about these memories. But those who are left behind would certainly be more affected by these memories which sticks. It'll be nice if these memories could also leave together with the person. But then again, that will not be remotely possible because of how we are made.

Because of the flambouyant personality I flaunted when I was still an immature child, my mind becomes a film projector with a wide selection of films. It is a film box stored full of films both bad and good. Some badder than others. Some more pleasant and wonderful than others. If I were given a choice to totally wash and wipe away cleanly the bad memories in my head, I would still choose to keep them. Strange isn't it? How much I resent them, but still can't bear to part with them. Well, many of the bad memories had messages encoded in them. Through life's bad patches, I learnt to decode them and try not fall back into demise again. Not only did these bad films send me life's messages, they toughened me up physically and emotionally as well. So whenever a bad film plays itself out, I grit my teeth, say 'fuck it' and continue to soldier on. I am positive there're even more people out there whose film projectors, which is their minds, stores so many bad films that the good ones get buried under. I can only say 'tough luck'. But I'll always thank the almighty that I have it easier and my situation is not the worse. I guess that's what keeps me going.

I am Aileen Almighty.

It is funny how life takes unexpected twists and turns and causes you to land where you are now.

For one, I never thought I could connect with Song wei at such a level. We were never on the same frequency. During our sec school days, He was quiet, geeky, bookish, and definitely hated me because I was so noisy. While I on the other hand didn't even notice or make an effort to notice him at all. A recent dinner with him showed me how wrong I was about the likelihood of me striking a friendship with him.

Like the old and cliched saying goes. People change. He definitely did change. Not only was he not so abashed anymore, he actually has interesting things to say. He can be quite funny at times too. All these I think, were non-existent during sec sch days. either that, or I just didn't bother at that time, to notice. Well, one thing however, remained the same. He still looks bookish and nerdish. I wouldn't have wanted to be seen with him in the past, seeing as to how I was very extremely superficial 4 years ago. But I realised I minded just a teeny weeny bit now. haha. not that bad la. only abit. But he is interesting enough to hold my attention that day. That's all that matters.

I bet Sian dearie will hit it off very well with him. That will be something good to look forward to.

Life never stops springing surprises indeed. What did I say about people being ugly and people getting together for all the wrong reasons? I hear of at least 2 such cases recently. I don't even remotely keep in contact with these people. But their choice of partners are hints as to what might be going on in their minds. I'm not condemning or passing judgements in anyway. These are just my observations. They are not meant to offend.

I had a series of dreams about you.

What is one's usual reaction when one gets really angry with another person? Will one lash out when one has reached one's limit? or will one just keep silent.

Does it mean I am a pushover if I refuse to lash out at someone who has done me wrong time and again? Why do I keep silent? I think it is because I'm not willing to deal with it. I prefer to sweep everything under the carpet. The sensible part of me knows that the problems are going to reappear again. But the protective mechanism in the form of self denial, kicks in. I just want to avoid the tears distress and frustration which comes along with confrontations.Even if I were to have to go through the anger again when the problem resurfaces, it would still be much better than a major blow-up. That is what I feel. Right or not, I don't know.

My head really hurts. My heart hurts too. Its PMS. definitely.

Chong is the real issue. Because of what he did, I'm forced to rethink the nature of human beings. I used to think that however mean a person is, there will always be a part of him/her who is good by nature. It is prolly circumstances or negative influences that caused the good to dissipate, and the bad to take root. sort of like a disease, or infection. But recently, I've been thinking that the opposite might be more true. No matter how nice or good a person is in nature, he/she is not totally or wholesomely good or genuine. So essentially, we are really just ugly human beings. All of us. Every single one of us.

I tried to counter my own argument that everyone is self-motivated, greedy, and selfish. But I drew a blank. A chat with Sian further drives the point home. That everyone is greedy, self-motivated and selfish.. I try to think otherwise. But I can't help but admit that it is the truth. The naked truth. Only I didn't give it much thought until a series of events ocurred recently.

Yes, I do know that people do make use of each other. manipulating is not uncommon either.I used to close an eye to it because I guess I was subconsciously doing it as well. But having grown more aware of the ways of the world through time, I can no longer close my eyes to what is going on. To suddenly come to a realisation like that stuns and depresses me. I have only two options. To deal with it, or to sweep it under the carpet again.

I told Song I was gonna confront Chong about it. But in the end, I didn't do it. I was too busy trying to protect my own sanity.(see? this is a selfish action.which makes me an ugly perosn.) I was thinking of telling her that :yes. I'm angry. But I gritted my teeth and said that I'm ok. I don't know how long I can put up with this.

I'm such an ugly person.

a little too uptight. serious. unconventional. i would say. silly even. but I shouldn't write people off like that

I'm into the all black ensemble again. I like colors. But i still prefer being all black. no particular reason why.

If you wander off too far
my love will get you home
if you follow the wrong star
my love will get you home
if you ever find yourself
lost and all alone
get back on your feet
and think of me

If you wander off too far

my love will get you home

if you follow the wrong star

my love will get you home

if you ever find yourself

lost and all alone

get back on your feet

my love will get you home



I love this song. Reassurance for an insecure person.

and think of me

~~~~~~~~Squeals~~~~~~~~

I didn't know guys like Levi still exist in this age and time. He's so sheepish, unassuming and cute. really very cute. I wish I could talk to him more today. But I decided to give him a break in case he explodes in embarrasment. Besides, everyone else in the whole entire classroom were staring at us.

He'll be going back to where he came from =(

No more sexy hair. No more sexy smile. No more eye candy. boho0ho0. The school is really pathetic. lack of eye candy is making life in school really boring.

I would have to object to Amy Winehouse's 'Love is a Losing Game'.

Firstly, I feel that love is not a game. Love shouldn't be a game. If love is not a game, then no-one wins or loses in it. I am aware I come very close to being cliched and idealistic. But fret not, lofty ideas and romanticism isn't my style. To most, love is a game because of the mind boggling aspect of whether to move forward, step back or just halt your steps. To guys, it most probably IS a game. Well, courtship DOES provide all the elements that constitutes a game, adrenaline rush, oozy high, deep depression, acute pain and definitely a sense of acheivement/victory/loss in the end. Because the game of love/courtship has become so elaborate through time, true love and courtship purely for the sake of love doesn't seem to exist anymore.

I look around me everywhere and can't help but think to myself. how many people are actually together because of love and not other discreet motives. People all around are getting themselves attached, or have broken up. How many of you are attached because you love/like/fancy your respective partners? How many people actually break up because of this simple reason : I don't love you anymore. I might be able to count with just my fingers and toes.

The reasons for being attached becomes more varied and fanciful (even more fanciful than love in itself i must say.) as we travel through time. Hooking up used to be for the purpose of procreating. That was right at the beginning of time when polygamus was openly practiced. love was probably too far away from everyone's thoughts at that time. It was a simple reason, however much you scoff at it. It makes sense even. because civilisation at that point in time needed many children to replace the dying or dead ones, given that mortality rate was so high. Fast forward to the present. I can scribble a whole list of reasons why people are getting themselves attached or hooking up with various partners. The list is exhaustive, even. But you can be sure that 'love' would be last on the list. (IF there is one.)

That said, point is, people are getting attached for all the wrong reasons. or rather, for reasons other than the simple reason: 'love'. The process seems to have reversed. Instead of getting to know a person and harbouring feelings through time, the process is fast forwarded with the aid of--- Gasp! not divine help. But by either of the party playing---Gasp! again! target shooting!!! No wonder Amy Winehouse sang Love is a losing game. What is the natural process of loving a person through time becomes unnatural, fake and uncommon at present. We say 'Iloveyou' so easily, dropping them everywhere, anywhere and most of the time, not even meaning it. When we take time to get to know a person, people automatically think you're a slow coach. knowing another's character becomes something you do only after getting together. Well, I would like to think its a continuous process. On the flip side, I'm also not saying that two people should be together only if they are truely in love. That is idealistic. What I'm driving at is that, our intentions of being together with a partner should only be pure. It should not be a practice for target shooting, nor should it be a cure for loneliness. Even if the initial phase does not constitute love, seeing as how love is a very strong word if you put it in the correct context, then the motives in being in a relationship should be to develop 'like/fancy/obssession', to feelings of 'love.' Of course not all relationships will work out in the end. There would always be a test drive period before both parties reach another stage in their relationship. But I think the focus should always be to develop love. not to 'test market' first.(quoted from min)

He has taught me so much more than I would ever learn in any of my past relationships. No matter how deeply hurt and depressed I feel, I can only whine about it, smile and laugh along with everyone else, mock Grace, hate Grace, hate him. At night, my memories turn time back. I discover more truths, uncover more lies, but strangely, feel no piercing agony, or unbearable pain. I only feel disappointed at my utter naiviette and distaste at the ugliness I displayed. No more target shooting for me. No more games. I'm too tired. To say that 'I'll never fall in love again' is a little too harsh. and it'll most probably be untrue anyway. I can only wish to horne my skills in being guarded and never to say these sacred words (iloveyou) to anyone again. I've given too many away. I need to store some for the special someone. (if there even will be.)

Sometimes, you can't help but care.

Please don't be cliche and tell me looks are not everything. Looks ARE everything. well, to most of us. He prolly chose her cuz she has big boobs and can dance.

Her hair looks a combination of straw, dried grass, hay, and twigs. So gross I tell you. She doesn't look very fantastic either. palid flat face. eyes that don't sparkle. dull disposition. Her only saving grace is her height. she's not very tall. average. But nothing apealing on the surface. I'm not even being biased. Chong says she's ugly. If Chong says she's ugly. means ugly. i trust chong. I've never thought of myself as pretty. I don't even think i'm average. but after one look at her. I feel like i've won a beauty peagent. Its not about him anymore. I got over him already. Its just about losing a game to another person. Well, I'm not a sore loser. I am a GRACious loser. She can be the karang guni while i go in search of better and newer goods.

She may prolly be a very bitchy person underneath. someone who has alot of things to say about alot of things. or someone who's exterior belies what's inside, who has many different facades and plays masquerade at different intervals with different people. But either way. I don't think much of girls who sleep around. She must feel so empty inside.

I should stop banning myself frm movies and cineleisure. I shall continue to show my pretty face there every now and then. just for the fun of it. Why should I be banned frm that place just because of someone else's stupidity?

Watched rule #1 with yuanyuan. The movie's not very good. I have no explanation as to why I felt its not good. But chinese ghost stories don't really enthrall me.

The orphanage is SO GOOD! go watch go watch!! I was pinching chong all the way. its scary. but not scary in the 'hideous face ghost pop up every minute' kind. Its more of doors slamming shut, cacophony of voices floating ard, and sudden unanticipated movements. badly painted faces popping up out of nowhere is freaky, but just doesn't make a good movie. Not to mention, the storyline is not bad for a horror movie as well. I don't usually pay money to scare myself. but lately, i feel there is a need to channel anxiety, adrenaline and shock somewhere else, lest i go crazy. Definitely one of the better horror flicks I've seen in awhile.

Those of who know me well know I have a penchant for doing things the unconventional way. These includes dating guys who are not the same race as I am. Race is a touchy topic. and I don't want to go to jail for blogging about it. But I feel the need to air my views over this particular group of people.

Shannen's right. Well, everyone's right, for that matter. These people live really screwed up lives. Sometimes I try to see it in their point of view. But I find it so difficult to feel sympathy for them. The ex belonged to this group as well. Having been around these people for quite some time, I caught a glimpse into their troubled world. Let's not talk about vices like smoking and clubbing. because this is apparent in most of the different social groups.(you know what i mean). But I have to say that their mentality and perspectives are all super screwd up as well. Of course not all are like that. I refuse to think that. But its undeniable that it is rare to find someone who lives a normal life amidst all the chaos drummed up by their similar counterparts.

One thing that is shockingly common place amongst these people, is their inability to maintain serious relationships. I'm not saying this just because of what happened with the jerk. I'm looking at this issue with an open mind. But the wider I keep my eyes and mind open, the more ugly things I discover about these people. I can laugh and just remark: 'what is this man! game ar? very fun meh? get one and throw another one. They don't know what's the meaning of aids meh? they think only sleep with prostitutes then will get aids is it?' Its amusing when you're an outsider just looking in through a glass screen. But when you have actually stepped into this crazy world with one foot in, you can't help but shake your head and wish you could do something about it. Of course I'm not intending to be a martyl and sacrifice myself to save these rotting souls. But I do wish I can find someone in this social circle who is sincere and normal.

Another issue that makes one crinch is their apparent lackadasical attitude to all things in life. When I say all, it really means ALL. Its so totally mind boggling how they're able to just party without a care in the world, burn their books, and literally just live like there's no tomorrow. I'm aware this makes them the most exciting, thrilling, fun and intriguing people to hang out with. After all, this is what attracted me to him in the first place. But don't they ever think about anything else besides money party and sex? The future to them really literally means 'FUTURE'. far far away. isn't it amusing?

Despite all these, I shall continue on my quest to find one who is most right out of all the wrong (Maximin decision making. jeanie and meanie should find this term familiar.) But I'll be really careful this time after going through all the shit.

suck it up and soldier on aileen!

p.s. I don't care if you're gonna scold me stupid. and refuse to lend me your shoulders when I come crying. But I'm just the weird person that I am. take it or leave it

Flipped through street fashion blogs and rediscovered my passion for weird and unconventional dressing.It is amazing how people from various countries across the globes (namely those which has four seasons) dress up so differently and interestingly, and yet not look too crinch-worthy. One may think 'oh my god! what is that! but you knw what? it works on him/her!' It is a comment that I long to plant on people's heads whenever I dress weird or different. I have never been one to follow trends. I wear whatever I feel like wearing. I frown when I see people on the streets trying to covert this season's trends avidly. Well, if the look works well on them, then all is good and well. But sometimes things go awry. I admit I do make fashion mistakes at times, overwhelming my frame with many pieces of cloths and not having a focal point. See...you can only get better when you're real bad.

The shopping bug hits again. But this time $$$$$ is short. Far east is making me vomit. Perhaps I should try salvation army for things to mix and match with. I 'm hopping I might pick up a few strange but wearable pieces.

Thank you girls for the lovely little surprise. I appreciate it very much =)

I study,run,teach and talk to people. I live my life as I deem fit. When once I feel I've been running and hiding away from things, now it suddenly seems clear to me that I have always been searching.But what am I searching for? Am I searching for answers within others? If so, what kind of answers do I seek? Do I seek reassurance? To ascertain my self-worth? Or could I have been searching for someone? Which I have always vehemently deny, because my stubborn self thinks there is no need to depend on another close being for my own happiness as it would most probably only be short-lived.

I would like to think that I'm not conflicted. I have goals to work towards, dreams I want fulfilled, and an independence of mind that I developed through time. But at times, my feelings get all awry, and a flurry of emotions surface and bury all my senses. Most of the time I just suck it in, and get on with life. But sometimes, loneliness really sets in. because no one understands how it feels to be so trapped.

Some days I feel strong. I look forward with my head held high and I tell myself, I don't need him or any other guy to complete my life. I live for myself, and no one else. I must therefore be able to find happiness and fulfillment in myself before I can love someone truely. I read. study, teach, run and smile and laugh really hard. They do lift my spirits most of the time. I have good friends who keep me sane. But at odd times of the day, or rather, some days, I feel so down, that no amount of consolation helps. The memories seem faint and far away now. I don't look back with tears anymore. But I still feel resentful at the way I was treated. My sister says this is called self pity plus self absorbation. Well, she's most probably right. Resentment is not good. self pity and self absorbtion is not good.

Soldier on aileen =)

You can only get worse,
before you get better.

The next guy who comes along must have these basic qualities.

1) Tall, handsome, intelligent
2) allows me to keep quiet when i don't feel like talking, and not feel the need to ask me what's wrong.
3) humble, honest, down to earth, unpretentious
4) does not club or smoke
5) not screwed up or have a troubled background
6) must allow me to wear heels. and understands the need for me to wear heels.
7) must be able to sing
8) must be good at something.

any other vices or flaws, I'm willing to compromise.

Teo says the list seems impossible. which means I'll have to be content with being single for the rest of my life. Well, I learnt that if having loved someone once could bring you so much pain, then i would rather not have loved at all. Once is enough. I'm never going to allow myself to be treated that way again.

I have a normal functional family. I should stop getting involved with troubled screwed up people. Its not healthy

I'm into self-help books! They do help =)

When will I see your face again.

The song echoes in my head.

The tears come at odd moments. They come when I wake in the morning, when I sleep at night, and several more times in the middle of the day. I cry for the memories that refuse to stop rearing its ugly head at me. I cry for my stupidity in not constructing a contingent plan. I cry at the loss of an exciting and thrilling life with a person who is most wrong for me. I want to go to a place where I won't fall into a quagmire and sink leaving only my hands outstretched. I'm glad we didn't hang out at my favourite places. or he would have left his ugly footprints on places I love.

This relationship is very different from most others, and yet strangely similar to every other one. I expected the gullible, naive, funny boy who was so totally devoted to me in the past. but unexpectedly get a mutation in a totally different form now. Do I like the person he is now? Sure! of course I do. Do I love him? Do I really really love him? I don't know. All I know is that I look forward to seeing him all the time, and there is nothing I won't do for him. Even if its the most difficult of task. Is that love? has my liking grow to love in the short span of time?

When I sit alone in the dark corner, and don't do or say a thing, I listen to what my heart tells me. It whispers very softly, but firmly to me. 'Aileen, this is not love. This is not how love is supposed to feel like. this is not how love is supposed to BE like.' Then I feel sad all over again and my heartache acts up once more.So why do I feel such a strong feeling of being lost, of losing, and of great pain? My heart says ' Well, its because love was a game to you at first. You seeked to make the person like you more than you'll like him. he was an easy person to manipulate because you didn't know he changed and that was why you chose him.But the person he is now isn't the person you used to know. instead of playing a good game, you ended up playing a dangerous game because he raised the stakes by playing along with you. The more challenging he is, the more lies you have to tell him, until even you believe your own lies. The more he tried to push you away, the more risks you took just so you can win the game. Men are old hand when it comes to such games. Even though they may not be experienced in the field, their instincts are dead accurate. They know when to let go. You can't, because you're a girl. You're a silly girl who plays with fire, and got yourself burnt even without knowing it. Just like walking around happily with your hair on fire. You don't feel satisfied because you LOST THE GAME. not because you lost him. Now that i've made everything clear to you, get your butt moving and forget him.'

I didn't grow up from what happened. I just grew stronger.

Walls close in around me
at every turn I take.
There is nowhere to run to
to take refuge
from the ache of the heart,
from the memories
which threaten to open floodgates.
from the deep regret lodged in the throat,

Walls I will build around myself.
As strong as a fortress
as sturdy as bricks.
indestructable, impenetrable, unfallible.

There will be laughter
But tears accompany it.
Both are cathartic.
But, the echoes of laughter around the fortress,
will surely be preferred to the echoes
of painful moaning.

Let there always be laughter
in these walls.
Laughter that fills the air with joy
that never really reaches the heart.
that disappears among sorrow.
laughter that fills the air with joy
but somehow never reaches the eyes.
that dissolves into tears and
disintegrates into deep misery.
Resounding laughter that tickles and tingles,
forever betraying the bubbling
cauldron of hot, stinging tears.

The weather is depressing.

My heart aches all of a sudden. To possess something and to suddenly lose it, all in a short period of time, is a scay thing to go through.

When you tell a lie and insist its the truth, you'll eventually believe its the truth, nothing but the whole truth.

I feel nothing at all. It is both the truth and a lie.

I hate it when my brains get swamped with so many things, both minor and major. I just want to pull all my hair off and if possible, tear my brains apart.is there ever a time when you feel so bogged down with the many things going on in your life, that you just want to sleep, sleep, and sleep and never wake up? At certain times, my brains get so noisy, that all I want to do is sleep. Its so bad because sometimes I get bothered by silly things, and things that don't concern me. A trivial matter will grow into something huge and manifest in my brains into a full blown issue.

I love my daddy very much. I love my daddy very much. I love my daddy very much

I also love my mummy. I think. But I love my daddy more.

Why is it that when couples fight, it is always or mostly about how the other party is being unfaithful. in most cases, its the guy who has this problem. Can't guys just learn to be contented with what they have and stop fooling around? Its really annoying me how most guys are so unappreciative of what is in front of them and are always seeking new thrills in the form of a new girl.

Well, let me be a schizo and look at it in the guy's point of view.

See ar. if the girl can be more tolerant and understanding, then perhaps relationships won't break up so easily and so frequently. Since it is in a man's nature to be fickle inconsiderate and beastly, then women should cut them some slack and take it that their men are just having some fun and will come back to them given time. if ultimately two people still love each other despite all the foolish deeds on the part of the man, then breaking up should never be an option.

But then again, if a women is too tolerant and too understanding, then the man will take the woman for granted and think that his behaviour is acceptable.and he'll keep doing it.

Oh wells.

I believe, even in a relationship that seems to be stable, there'll definitely be a point in time when the man has cheated on the woman. I wonder if the woman really has forgiven and forgotten or will insecurities and mistrust be forever there.and how many of such r/s actually last till marriage and beyond.

Its not that I can't stand up for myself. Of course I can! I'm good at ranting and screaming and making huge scenes. I got it from my mama. Just that, only a select few sees this side of me. I know how to swear like there's no tomorrow and I definitely know how to holla at someone till their ears turn deaf. But I choose not to. Because, that's not the way an educated person should behave. Someone who is sensible would know when to shut their gap and when enough is enough.

I'm not like your many other girlfriends who will f*** you upside down at the slightest error commited. its because the girls you dated before were immature little brats. Not me.So why should I change the way I deal with my own emotions, just for you? You want me to scream at you just to make yourself feel less guilty. see? that's selfish behaviour.

Like I said, I hate myself for using silence as a barricade against you. because you deserve a severe beating up. But that's my automatic defense mechanism. I clam up when things happen. I just want to retreat and think of the best way to resolve the issue. The screaming and ranting will only come when I've straightened out my thoughts. which may take a day or two, depending on the situation. So you see? its not that I can't stand up for myself. I just deal with things differently.

You don't want to change ur vices for me. So why should I? especially if its just to make you feel better?

I'm not actually very nice. Its just that I haven revealed the ugly side of me, to you yet. I can't wait to see your reaction when one day I decide to unleash all my fury on you. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Even though he made a promise. I still find it difficult to trust him completely. There will always be alarm bells going off at the slightest abnormality in his daily life patterns. During times when I'm moody and pessimistic, I ask myself, why do I choose to put myself through such shit. I have no answer for that. answer me someone?

He brought her to the store. he brought her to the store. he brought her to the store.

How selfish and stupid can a guy get? Does he think both of us girls were his set of jewellery to parade off and let people judge which of us looks better with him?

whatever. My mind is working on overdrive. I hope she backs off completely. or I'm gonna bitch slap her if I ever see her hanging around subway.

Only when u're tested, then will you know your limits.

I may be small built, but I'm definitely no pushover. I always tell myself that I won't ever condon any kind of infedility. I know in the past, I will never accept anyone who's fickle in a relationship. I wouldn't accept guys with vices too. clubbing guys are bad eggs. But after going through all the shit above, I know that I have a very strong heart because, firstly, I'm still alive; I haven died of heartache yet. secondly, my life miraculously continued to go on even through all the shit above. Sometimes I feel angry at myself for being so magnanimous, so forgiving, so unselfish, so kind and so trusting. I definitely got all those from my dad. Its unnerving. But there's nothing I can do about it. I have always been mild tempered. Even when I'm angry, I keep quiet. This is the most disturbing thing I feel abt myself. Even when I found out he cheated on me yet again, my heart failed me. Silence was the only way I knew how to cope with the situation. Ranting is not beyond me. But as i said, I have such a big heart, that I swallowed all my anger and thought up of so many excuses for him.

But because of the way I'm brought up, and the many sensible friends I have, even through my severe heartache, my brains continued to function. Till now, I don't know how I managed to survive through those few days of absolute agony. See? this is called triumph in adversity. If I were just an outsider listening and watching my life through this trying period, I would never believe I could be this strong.

I'm not Aileen Almighty for nothing you know.

Fell ill on V-Day. lucky me. Flu always has to hit me on all the right occassions.

Everyone goes into relationships for different reasons. What one person wants out of a relationship, might not be what the other person wants. So therefore, an outsider has no right to say whether a couple is compatible or not or whether they have a future or not. Simply because an outsider is an OUT-sider and do not exactly know both sides of the coin.

A particular asshole has been very forthcoming about airing his 'oh-so-smart' comments on how the boyfriend is a lousy shit ass and that we should quickly just end it before it gets worse. I'm of course aware of the disparity between the both of us. I thank him for being so concerned. But I definitely do not appreciate the super dramatic monologue he shared with me.

Just because I don't share how sweet and loving and caring the boyfriend is, doesn't mean he's a hooligan who should be dumped. Just because you and your broke girlfriend are so sweet loving and caring and see each other every freaking day, doesn't mean both of you will be together till the end of days and to eternity. I've seen too many breakups and bizarre situations in relationships. Its a well known fact that the matters of the heart is unpredictable. I will definitely laugh till all my teeth drop if you guys don't even last through the year. At least for me, marriage is not in my agenda. fancy wanting to marry a girl whom u have been for only 2 freaking months? That's ridiculous. really ridiculous.

I'm not able to say what is it I want out of a relationship yet, cuz I haven given it serious thought. I used to want financial relieve, arm candy and perhaps some drama and excitement. But not anymore. The arm candy element will always be in my list. But the others have to be cancelled out. I would like to say that I want a relationship that is simple and pure. One that is based on love, adoration, and respect. nothing more. But its cliched. and so doesn't exist. Whatever it is, I'm happy the way I am now. Although sometimes my courage and optimism fail me, I know as long as love exist between 2 people, a break up should not be necessary.

Thanks alvin, for clearing my mind. I'm having such a hard time defending myself from detractors. I'm tired.

Love is always patient and kind
It is never jealous
Love is never boastful or conceited
It is never rude or selfish
It does not take offence and is not resentful
Love takes no pleasure in other peoples' sins
But delights in the truth
Love is always ready to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes

Are words all you want? are they? are they? huh? huh? huh? What about actions. what about feelings, what about the heart. Do they all mean nothing to you?

If you are one of those guys who say 'I love you' to your girlfriends all the time, everyday, day in day out, night in night out. I would like to know who you are. I want to beat your big fat ass till they flatten, and kick you off to the moon and make sure you don't ever come back to earth.

I mean. it feels very nice to know that you're loved. But not in this manner. You can say 'I love you to me 1000000000000000000000000 times a day, but you most prolly don't mean it. Please. Besides having brains, I have a heart too. I'm not stupid. and I certainly can feel it when you fibb. Its so so so hard for me to believe you cuz your words are always lazed with honey, but ur actions don't reflect at all. Its fine if that's ur way of expressing 'love'. but don't force me to do it too. I'M NOT LIKE THAT! so STOP! You don't want me to change you, so don't try and change me! I express my affections for you in a different way. just because I don't say the bloody three words, doesn't mean I don't bloody love you. I'm silently sacrificing so freaking much for you. I don't think you even see it. You only see that I'm way smarter and capable than you and that I'm older. That's not fair to me. NOT FAIR. I'm so angry now. I can't breathe.

Why am I so freaking angry? its because its nearing VALENTINE'S DAY. and I don't want to pick a fight with you. Plus, you haf school and bloody subway to stress over. SEE? I'm the most considerate girlfriend on earth. I bet you don't see that as well. The only avenue I have now is ths piece of post which I'm gonna make public. I'm so freaking angry. I'm never ever gonna say those words to you again. If you want it in ur messages, I'll bloody spell them out and type them in for you. A thousand times over even. after all, you won't even know if I mean it or not. If words are what you want. i'LL GIVE IT TO YOU. Just don't make me say it. I won't BLOODY say it ever again. to you.

Peace off

Was talking to birdie baby about marriage v cohabitating. I'm all for cohabitating and against marriage. Well, I'm against marriage, but I'm not anti-marriage. er. sorry.am I making you confused?

It is prolly not a case of phobia of commitment, but rather the fear that my decision to marry was wrong and that I won't be able to tolerate living with the person for the rest of my life. I'm an impulsive person by nature. I take risk very willingly at the heat of the moment which sometimes pay off, and sometimes land me in boiling soup. People always say that you need to put in alot of effort to make a marriage work. Maintaining a relationship is hard enough. What more marriage. There is always a fear within me, of the other party waking up one day and realising that he doesn't love me anymore, or as much as he used to. Or vice versa. Its a scary thought. While hanging out with the Bishan clique ytd, Alvin said perhaps what I felt now wasn't love, but sympathy, empathy and pity(which all basically means the same thing.) That made me doubt myself for the longest period of time(1 night.haha ) I guess only time would tell. Time uncovers secrets, Time irons things out. I only hope Time is on our side. Banana wasn't very positive either.(as if he ever was positive in the first place) Sorry, I digressed.

Back to marrige v cohabitating.

Cohabitating is good. At least you get to find out the other party's living habits, and eventually decide for yourself if you want to marry and start a family with this person. its non-commital as well. i mean. there must be some sort of contract to keep the house clean and livable as well as a contract drawn up to prevent him from running away quietly with half your assets. Plus, another contract that holds him responsible if he ever gets you pregnant. er...now, that seems alot of work. But i can already imagine how much more worse it would be to marry. The contract/oath would not only be legally binding but emotionally scarring and financially draining as well. Same for cohabitating, but a marriage breakdown will be a milllion, zillion times worse because, firstly, it is recognised by law, secondly, it just shows ur inability to live, communicate, and breathe the same air as the other person. in short. your life is half ruined if your marriage fails.If while cohabitating, you find you can't stand the other party's living habits, or you quarel everday about minute stuff like how he always doesn't screw the cap on the toothpaste, the most both parties do------BREAK UP. well, a break up definitely sounds nicer than a DIVORCE.

My opinions might change in time to come as I'm still young. But for now, marriage irks me. I envy my parents' marriage very much. I only hope that mine would be as wonderful as theirs. God bless me.

Met up with 3 of the Bishan clique peeps. A, KH and banana. Missed these three kuku birds so much. They remind me of my studying days at the community centre. So much nonsense went on, that I'm somewhat convinced that army doesn't at all make a boy grow into a man. Army only makes the boys turn even more vulgar, even more uncouthed and even more sick in the mind than they already are. OK, with the exception of Alvin.

I seriously cannot imagine living anywhere else besides Bishan. I shall live and die a Bishan kid. Loves Bishan to death.

Hey PEEPS!!!

Do drop by CHICAGO STEAKHOUSE for a meal when you're in town. Its in Cineleisure Orchard. Right next to Subway. The ambience is uber good. A great difference between the surrounding fast food joint. The service is great too! So do give it a try =]

I've a new hair style in mind. I so hate my hair now. its so uber wierd. and I look like I'm fifteen(according to the chicago steakhouse peeps)

Mummy finally caught on.

'which boy you studying with?'

I really can't stand staying at home. Everyone expects me to do things for them. Don't anyone see that I have a life of my own to lead too? I can't freaking live by your expectations. Not because they're too high, but because I DON'T WANT TO!

When I'm at home, you want me to do the housework, clean, cook, wash the toilet. When I'm at home, he wants me to do work for him work work work. so what if he gives me money?! I would rather not take it. I would really still want to help if and when I have the time to. Don't need to pay me. What is freaking wrong with both of you???

You always say I don't like this family. Its really not that. I don't feel comfortable at all when I'm at home. I see you zipping around the house with a broom, banging chairs and tables along the way, I see you screaming at abel to mop the floor. Have you any freaking idea how stressed I am? I would do these things on my own accord if you don't demand that I do it.

When I'm doing something other than studying at home, both of you give me black face see. For what?! crazy? you make me feel so unwelcomed at home. Its like, whenever I'm home, I cannot sleep, cannot eat. only can study and work. If that is how the family is like, I would rather not come home at all.

I do my laundry on my own. I pay for almost everything on my own. food, transport, entertainment, phonebills. Everything. even lodging. Why can't you just let me off and stop instructing or expecting anything out of me? I know you want to think i should repay you for all the years of investing on my education and what not. But hallo? you cannot and should not demand repayment from someone in that manner. I'm a sensible person. I know that its my responsibility to be fillial. I just refuse to do it your way. I DON'T WANT TO.

The next time a guy leads u on and makes u upset cuz he only wants to be ur 'friend'. YOU have to learn how to get over ur feelings for the certain bastard. AND con't to be friends with him. Sounds absurd? read on. Because the bastard is a bastard, he would be oblivious to what and how u're feeling towards him and how inconsiderate he is to lead you on only to tell u that he doesn't like you. Befriend him. make him feel comfortable abt himself until he lets down his guard. then ATTACK. FIRE AWAY all the questions you 've always wanted to know the answers to. ASK and not be merciful abt it. shrug it away with an innocent face and a voice so saccharine sweet, he cannot bring himself to strangle you.

The torture subject as of yesterday, was YUANYUAN. yinghui. I hope you read this.

Its the harsh reality. you just have to soldier on. because such guys DO exist. We can't eliminate them by killing them off. so we gotta live with them. What we can do is, while trying to live with them, we can torture them. But before you can begin to harbour such evil thoughts, you must first learn to protect yourself. To protect yourself, you must learn to MOVE ON. You study psycology. so you should be clear regarding this aspects. Talk to yourself. Tell yourself you don't like him. When you make a conscious effort like that, your subconscious will work in your favour. You've been through even worse than this. you'll survive. don't worrie.

I raised your issue with yuanyuan. I didn't do it subtlyly. I did it very obviously and blatantly. I asked him straight, in his face. why did he do that in the past. I got most of the answers I wanted. But I had to dig them out of him and in the process, threw lots of sacarstic and in-your-face comments. He was peeved of course, just that he didn't show it in his face. I have to hand it to him.

Boys will always be Boys. Immature is the overall word to describe them.

Made my usual trip to every youngsters' favourite haunt (cineleisure) yesterday. I tell u. I had a whale of time laughing my ass off and feeling so bemused at everything I saw and heard.If I could raise my eyebrows, they would have been gone by now, disappearing into my forehead. The dumbo has a direct head who's not straight. I swear I wanted to knock his socks off when he asked if he and his boyfriend could share the cab with dumbo and I. Thank goodness I insisted otherwise. But guess what. they came over anyway. That is when all the wierd things happened. Let's just call the direct head S. S came over with his boyfriend who was drunk. He wasn't dead drunk. Just drunk enough to be spouting nonsense. He must have either hated the dumbo with a vengeance, or liked the dumbo to bits. I was the subject of his nonsense. He didn't say anything degrading or insulting. He just said the dumbo chose me over his ex cuz his ex was ugly. and he kept on repeating the same thing. my freaking goodness. I don't know whether to laugh or to cry. I just said thank you politely to him. The drunken is so weird I tell u! He kept on looking at me with slant eyes. I swear, he was smiling away slyly too. When friend A ask if he's ok, The drunkard replied with : I'm not ok. I'm bisexual. something like that. I was taken aback. S must have been so horrified. We took a cab down to The Spice intending to grab a bite. I wasn't too keen to go along with the drunkard and his partner. But circumstances render bailing out impossible. We were at the eating place for a mere 10 minutes when we realised that S and his boyfriend bailed out on us first. Prolly cuz the drunkard had a puking fit and couldn't for the life of him get up and walk properly. He prolly had a good time kissing the drain. In all my years of sheltered life, I've never come across such people, and certainly not such a situation. The Dumbo has been in the company of this bunch of screwed up wierd ppl and has gotten used to it. I only hope that he doesn' become like that, or worse, drag me into their strange world.

I want to talk to mummy so badly about it. about incompatibility. about heartbreak. but i can't bring myself to say it. I've a cousin who's a pharmacist. I remember shaking my head in disbelief when she married a mere contractor in the building industry. I chide her under my breath for being so impractical and blind. She has such a strong character and is overall a nice person, she deserves better. or so I thought at that point in time. I don't think I can ever bring myself to comment abt how incompatible ppl are anymore. The equation is balanced. point a finger at others and 10 points back. literally.


Brownie points for the boyfrend! best fren says he's very likeable.

It is easy to just love unconditionally and to have no strings attached. But in a relationship, Aileen smarty pants discovered that LOVE is not enough. How about TRUST? Is trust enough? or are both LOVE and TRUST enough? Well, the answer is : NOT ENOUGH.

I believe we've all watched korean dramas which thrives on scripts with rich female/male lead falling in love with poor/dysfunction female/male lead. and how they overcome all odds to be together. They almost always get together in the end. Well, I don't think real life works that way. It is certainly not enough to just love the other party unconditionally. when two people are together, alot of factors come to play. compatibility is one issue. family background is another. individual values is also yet another. I've confirmed my deepest fear. I have one leg into the water already. the other leg is going in soon. Des, the motherly figure warns me of the tough times ahead. She tells me many things. I then subsequently realised that both Des and I are in the same boat. I've never thought of us being similar at all. I pride myself on my abiliy to self-control. She's a different story altogether. yet we share the same story when it comes to our other half. My head hurts everytime i try to think of a remedy to the situation looming ahead.

My smarty pants friend johanan says:

eliminate all grey areas. Life is complicated enough as it is. Why make matters worse. like means like. Don't like means don't like.

I love jo so much. just went you think you can't sink any deeper down into the shithole anymore, he pulls you out of it.

Friend A once told me that she doesn't believe in developing feelings of love between two individual. She believes like means like. don't like means don't like. No matter how long the person tries to win ur heart, it is impossible for you to try and like the person back through the passage of time.

Friend B however tells me the opposite. She believes that it is possible to like or love someone a little more each and everyday. bottom line. She believes that love can grow over time. Oh and friend B is the one and only person whom I've met in my entire life, who shocked me by saying 'I think of sex as a very beautiful thing.' I don't haf any comments abt the statement in particular. I don't even think of it at all. Its so far away from my mind prolly because I don't advocate pre-marital sex no matter how ready two people are. Its just wierd to come across someone who really truly think of sex in that manner. Oh wells.

A certain lecturer is getting on my nerves. We thought a certain Lee was bad, what with all the pronounciation errors and all the gramatically incorrect phrases, until we met this certain lecturer. Can one understand the pain of attending a 4 hours minus 15mins break lecture, tuning into the droning of a flat duck-sounding monotonous robot? I'm not sure if anyone remembers the power rangers robot. I forgot its name also. Even the power ranger's robot sounds so much more comforting. Now you understand where I'm coming from? Everyone, say 'OUCH' now.

Ever wondered why most players are guys?

Well, I figured, girls have a wide array of emotions that bubble out of themselves. The pre-requisite to cheat on someone's feelings, is to have no feelings at all - That's what very few girls can achieve. It seems such a simple thing to do, just close your heart to the person but at the same time form manipulative strategies in your head on how to get the person to fall for you. Guys do that very well, probably because they're more emotionally simple and less likely to have complicated thoughts. (Sorry guys. feel free to rebutt.)

I am sensible enough to think logical stuff. But my heart always betrays me. It irritates the hell out of me. I wish I could be a cold person with a stone heart, so I won't get hurt, but that, I don't possess. No one can help me with my internal struggle, but all I wish for, is that you not judge me too harshly. I'm a walking contradiction I know. But life is full of surprises and unexpected twists. I just prefer to walk the path that most sensible people shun.

Why the battered wife stubbornly refuse to leave her abusive husband,
Why the wife stubbornly hangs on to a husband who habitually cheats.
Why do relationships still go on and on even though the love is not there anymore.

When guys check you out infront of you. and then tell you the results right after. You have no idea how horrifying it is. cineleisure has hell lots of crazy nuts.

On the surface, my life seemed to just iron itself out. But peer more closely, and you'll find huge under-currents just waiting to resurface. I know for sure it would some time soon. just don't know when.

I'm not an atheist. I'm a catholic. I believe in the existence of God, of divine help, of spiritual enlightenment, and of course, of the Virgin Mary. It is just that I don't go to church at all. Don't ask me why. Its not something I can explain or express in words properly. I once tried to explain it to Jerms, but even though he was intellectual and deeply philosophical, he didn't exactly quite get what I was trying to say. And so, I give up.



I always think that not going to church doesn't mean that you don't believe in God. Its all in the heart, I think. To be truthful, I never really think of God in times of need. Whenever I'm feeling so hurt about something, I just cry my heart and guts and lungs and kidneys out. I never ask why God is doing this to me. Perhaps subconciously I know that there is a reason why He puts me through such agony. You hear stories of how ppl blame God or question why are they being put on such difficult tests when all their lives they have been doing God's will and serving Him. Its like the more you love and trust Him, the more pain you feel because you think you deserve better if not more - This is probably one of the reasons why I reserve my love for the Almighty, deep deep down in my heart and not proclaim to the world about it. Sometimes I push it so deep down that I can't see or feel it. But somehow or rather, it would surface again to remind me that this feelings exist.



The talk with Miss D.M.M as well as the book I picked up from the void deck are fine examples. I'm not gonna go into preaching mode and tell you that God put them there for me.

I found another person to philosophise with. Its a feeling of liberation when talking to Miss D.M.M. There are really only a few whom I can philosophise with without feeling like I'm boring the other person with all my theories and odd question

Self reflection is very important, I realised. it makes a person so much more sensible, especially after experiencing a crisis. Many people block out self reflection, probably because they're embarrassed at whatever happened and wouldn't want to be reminded about the incident which made them act the way they did. I used to be like that too. I moved on too fast, without forcing myself to think back on the reasons why these things happen. and well, when crisis of the similar sort happened, I just shrug it off yet again. That was the old Aileen. I guess I've grown up and learnt to deal with issues and self reflect so as not to repeat the same mistakes again.

With age comes wisdom. Well, you might not necessarily come to know of the secret of the universe, but you sure become a little enlightened each year you grow older.

I've stopped mopping around and feeling moody already. I'm thankful cuz this reaction is considered very very very mild. It could have been worse. I pride myself on the ability to move on constantly. Its a feeling of triumph after the storm. Well... I'm Aileen. not any normal ah lian or ah hua u see on the streets. sure, i haf a penchant for ah bengs, and immature guys. But I'm still Aileen Almighty.

so it was insecurity that finally destroyed us.

Love does not seek to hurt. Love appreciates, is unconditional and at its heart is respect for the individual. Where there is no respect for a person and their feelings, there is no love.

I have the honour of meeting a lying. cheating. coward.

I am suddenly fascinated with why men ar ethe way they are.

why can't they keep their hands to themselves.
what are they thinking when they see other women behind their spouse's back?
do they feel guilty?

infidelity

would you give your boyfriend another chance if you knoew he cheated on you?

Would you give your husband another chance if u found out he had an affair?

i once had this conversation with someone about whether two people should still stay married if one of them commited adultery. She said. its not so much about the party commiting adultery. its more of whether the two people can still stay together knowing that this has happened. you may be surprised that most of the time, when this happens, people still stay married. not because of the kids, but because of the wife's magnanimousity.(i'm assuming that men would mostly be the ones having affairs.)

in retrospect, deep down in the reccesses of my heart, I do agree with what was said. whether two people can stay together after one party has had an affair, depends very much on the willingness of the other party to forgive and tolerate. My rational side tells me that this theory is crazy. how can any woman stand sharing her man. i would feel repulsed if i were to continue living with a man who had cheated on me with another woman. But i surprised myself yet again, when my heart tells me 'its okie. give him another chance. you can help him change.' that's probably what battered women, and women who have cheating husbands say to themselves. heck. they might even say it to themselves every morning when they get out of bed and when they sleep at night.

The rational side of me tells me that a woman might be crazy if she is willing to torture herself with thoughts of whether her man would pull another fast one on her. But the heart tells me 'you can try and trust him again. its all up to you now. you must be strong. he's a man after all and men are known not to keep their hands to themselves.'

I'm so disappointed with myself for swaying more towards the heart.

if only you would just apologize. I would consider taking you back again.

its just a thought. I really don't know if i have the courage to torture myself with trust issues if he really does ask.