If everything were that simple.

We were sitting on swings. and lamenting about how things cannot be as simple as it used to be when we were a child. Our appetite just gets greater and greater as we grow older. We want more and more things. And it takes even greater effort to acquire satisfaction.

Would you want to go back to being a child again?

Well, I wouldn't. Living as a child again, means having to go through the painful process of growing up all over again. Sure, I would do many things differently if I were to be a child again. But having to journey through childhood is tiresome. Let's just say that I'm an impatient person. I would rather fast forward to the near future, to see what the maturing process is like. I would embrace death even, when it comes.

Remember the happy uplifting feeling you felt when you were on a swing as a child? Rmbr telling the person swinging you : higher! higher! or stop! stop! too high!

I remember feeling so happy on swings and screaming for my dad to swing me higher. He would say : cannot la! too high already! later you fall off! but he'll still continue to give the swing a gentle push, just so that i can continue swinging, though not necessary higher.

What we get now on swings are headaches or giddiness. swings still make me glower with child-like anticipation. Especially when the playgrounds now rarely have swings and sands just like the good old days. But i can never feel that simple satisfaction and happiness when swinging on one anymore.

If only there was neverland...

i'm dead. i'm dead. i'm so dead.

I should be studying instead of typing this.

But oh well!

They fought. He should have given way theoretically. But he did what he had to, in self-defence. Yes. They dislike each other. Its a pity. They were close in the past.

I don't even know her. She looks fine, no bitchy face whatsoever. But I still dislike her. I dislike her very much. I dislike her with a vengeance. No prize for guessing why.

ARGH! She used my pen. I so don't want it anymore.

ARGH! My watch is still with him. I want it back.

Poor H. He just got released from the hospital, and had to go back in again.

I don't know whether to laugh or cry for him. I laughed anyway. haha. I couldn't help it. Hope he's alright.

I've been going around in circles. But I woke up realising something. I only want one thing. and all the beating around the bush were just excuses. I was just defensive about the one thing that I really wanted. I used to be able to get this one thing, just by reaching out my hands. Sometimes a little pull and tug is required. But I had no qualms laying out my bare hands and playing my part to obtain this thing. But somehow, shit happened. and I learnt that doing that is dangerous. and will only end with misery if the outcome is not as expected. I'm not as forthcoming as i was anymore. instead of awaiting hard knocks to topple me, I prefer to protect myself with layers of bricks, pretty paint and varnish.

It is becoming so difficult to trust again. I'm not a suspicious person by nature. I trust very willingly and easily. But that is before shit happened. There is now a tussle between wanting to be bought over, and wanting to steer myself out of harm's way. I hate the feeling of being restrained by my subconscious constantly reminding me to step back. I feel tired. Yet, I know that this is the right thing to do. My instincts tells me that its not time to step over. I was almost won over by circumstances which dictates otherwise. But then, the very same circumstance that gave me the green light to step forward, pulled me by the hair and dragged me back again.

I wonder why he has such mean words for his brother. Could he be jealous? afterall, sibling rivalry can be quite vicious. Or could it be that he was telling the truth, as he had no reason to lie to me, since he regards me as a good friend. He says, its his brother. of course he'll know his brother better than an outsider. But then again, I still find it dubious. He keeps to himself all the time, and isn't close to this brother in particular. So how would he be able to view things in an unbiased way?

My gut feeling tells me they dislike each other. But I'm not sure who dislikes the other more. Both are driving me crazy. I hear different sides to a story. they both seem dubious, but could also be the truth, at the same time. Perhaps they're not lies, but merely uncompleted truths.

Do you believe in karma?

I'm starting to. Its good that there is something that can kind of explain things that is very difficult to explain with logic.

When really bad things happen, and you fall so deeply that there seems to be no bottom, don't give up. allow yourself to wallow, but leave some space for light. because something very good might happen after this. Things are already bad as it is. take it as a test of your endurance. Only when you experience the worse, then will you be able to experience the best.
You may be very rich, but unhappy, or you may be very rich, but die young. Its karma.

I so totally dig this analogy. Its by S.

You are my sunshine after the rain

=)

Went to watch national league basketball match! Brings back lots of secondary school and jc memories. So old school. haha. But I enjoyed it. The only difference between watching a match then and now, is that the standard in this one is definitely much higher. The footwork and techniques were really nifty. I was so close to standing up and cheering when someone slam dunked, not caring if its the opponent team who did the dunk. The three-pointers were amazing too. something which is quite rare when you watch secondary school students, or Jc basketballers play.

They should have put him on longer. His energy is incredible. Its really different with him running ard on court, compared to the 'old birds' (pardon me! they're very good players though!). They could possibly have done much better with him around on court. I know there are issues on experience and profession. But when you play against a youthful team like yesterday's match, you need more than just experience and skill. you need stamina and energy, and a presence on court, which they didn't seem to exude. Even the warm ups were a mess.(pardon me from saying this! really!) Anyhow, I really hope he just gets better and better with these older players taking him under their wings.

I really enjoyed the match. I should make that place my second home after the exams.
Minie and jeanie! you missed an exciting match! and there were so many many shuai ges ard. (no pretty girls though) There was at least one guy in ang-gong(dragon tattoos!) in every team. But they're really good players. Both of you better come for the subsequent matches! haha.

I don't know what to think anymore. So I give up. Speaking of giving up. There's alot of things that I've been tempted to give up on recently. As I was studying last night, I was strugging with the dreaded tax, so much so that I had a strong desire just to get married, bear a few kids and be a housewife for the rest of my life. I know different professions would bring with them different kinds of stress and difficulties, housewife included. But I would really rather be taking care of kids than study. Pardon me. that's the lazy me talking.

Yes. Song is right. The same thing is indeed happening. The appearance of another Yuanyuan. but in a less sinister form. I'm not gonna be bothered by it. because I need to study.

He called me 'sister'. wad the fuck.

I should clarify. The baby is a childhood friend. Not baby as in boyfriend. Its just his nickname.

I used to have a major crush on him. and I even remember getting into a scuffle with another friend because we both liked him. We lost contact through the years, even though we only lived on opposite blocks from each other. It is only recently that we started talking to each other again. I was really caught offguard how we talked up a storm about everything. I'm just very glad that he's back. He's been listening to my nonsense these past few nights.

It feels good to have a friend who's a national basketball player. haha.

But....I still musn't let my guard down.

Yesterday, I saw how easy it is to fall into the same trap again.

Because things are so bad, crying won't help. So you find someone who would sit with you till the wee hours of the morning, listening to you whine, grumble and complain. Knowing as to how confiding in a girlfriend at this level will only annoy and eventually invite more trouble, so I sought out the baby, whom I'm glad to have found at this ridiculous time of need.

That is why I don't believe in platonic relationships. Being too needy will invite trouble. and so I shall keep my distance. Must not be like all the other girls who throw themselves at him.

Baby is such a baby!

haha. got reunited with the baby. He's such an interesting person. and he has such nice arm and calf muscles! He has sexy 6 packs too! which I tried to punch but got bruised knuckles instead.

glad to have found the baby =)

We're still argueing on two parellel lines. Always. You never did get anything.

I was never angry at you for the 'wrong' advices you gave me. They weren't wrong. I still don't think they were wrong. You were always my alter-ego, reaffirming me on what I already planned to do, but was hesitant on doing. I never blamed you for any negative outcomes.

I'm too lazy to try and construct an entry counter reacting to yours.
Because we're argueing on two different wavelengths. I don't have the patience to straighten out my thoughts.

We're just two very different people who express our affections very differently. Seeing as such, I don't see how we can work out anymore.

I will have you know that I love all my friends very much. and I will always stick up for my friends. as long as i knw that they deserve it. I don't stick up for anyone just because I wish for them to also do the same for me when circumstance requires it. I never ever think twice when I do anything for any of my friends. whether financially or otherwise.

I was referring to sian boon on the post on the three words.

I will only ever trust and love this girl for the rest of eternity.

with utmost sincerity
aileen

Not caring too much is good. Not caring at all is even better. That comes easily for me, just as how caring alot comes naturally.

Life has dealt me many blows. I'm not blind to the lessons that I am meant to learn. I see my true ugly self, I see my faults, I see my flaws. I am reluctant to change these character flaws even though I see them. But I'm definitely not in self-denial. It is amusing how people can have the lessons that are meant for them to learn written out so clearly in their daily lives, but they just refuse to acknowledge it. They prolly see it, but are in self denial and refuse to acknowledge it, or they are too closed-minded to see it. being too absorbed trying to chase after dreams, perfections, and the seemingly possible but in fact impossible. When you are faced with someone who's mistakes are so freaking glaring, staring them in their faces, and yet they choose to see it as beautiful, wonderful, romantic.or..whatever...you're helpless. You want to shake the person up down left right and slap her left right up down. But because that would render you a psycopath if done, you're left with nothing to do, but watch with mouth gaping and eyebrows raised skyhigh. I don't know whether I should be glad or not, to have met two such people. Thank goodness, of which, one isn't a close friend, just an aquaintaince.

I don't care about you and what you do anymore. I cannot muster enough strength to care. Because you're such an imbecile.(pardon me for the strong use of vocab) Caring for someone like you would be too energy consuming. I try and accept you for who you are. But that's not possible anymore. Because I've reached the limit to my tolerance. I don't want to try to express to you what being your friend is like. That would be too difficult. But I shall just summarise it. I don't particularly enjoy being in your company anymore. There was a time when I thought I could just grit my teeth and close an eye to your imbecility. But time revealed a large rift that is impossible to patch. I don't want to try anymore. because it seems that I'm always the one trying. Its exhausting.

like I said. We are all ugly. That is the truth. Any notions of bringing out the good in your souls through the evolution of time, or nurturing our good innate self through crossing paths with others, totally bullcrap. shitcrap.

I have held back writing this for long enough. It is strangely pricking my nerves even more than usual. Probably because of the exam stress. I have to get it off my chest.

Our basal self isn't one that is innocent, honest and good. Adam and Eve spoilt that for us when they ate the fruit from the forbidden tree. We all have motives when we do something. How often do you drag a friend out because you want to spend time with your friend, and not because you want to do something and need company. How often do you actually call a friend up and ask : what would you like to do today? instead of : let's go do this and this. Very few of us actually do that. Its something that people do unconciously. I only realised this on an ocassion of extreme depression. To put it in a nice way, people usually think of the activity they want to do first, before finding someone whom they would enjoy the company of. To put it blatantly, we make use of each other. Its not nice to see it spelt out so clearly. But that's just what it is. I 'm not shirking any responsibility and denying i ever do such things. Like I said, everyone is this way. It is our basal nature.

Why is life a complication? we humans are designed anatomically in a way that is sophisticatry in the highest form. Just studying the brain alone would automatically disallow you from studying the heart as well. That's why we have specialist in the medical field. brain surgeons, gynaelogist, heart surgeon, optomologist...etc. Life is then made complicated, because we humans will it to be so. Life can only present to you sets of scenarios or circumstances. Life can throw you obstacles and bring you on roller coster rides. But these may not be complications. They're just like mere facts being served to you on a platter. Its up to you how you want to seperate your dishes, which to eat first, what to discard, whether to finish up the whole platter. See? in making these decisions, the human brain is at work. So how can you say that life is complicated?

I don't want to counter argue about the rest of the entries I put up previously. There is a reason as to why I post entries. It may be because of events I encounter, or people who provoked. That entry wasn't just a mere shell, something for you to argue about with words and phrases seemingly beautiful but in fact meaningless. It is about something that bothered me tremendously. Writing is all the release that I have. Seeing as that I've become sort of a recluse. Please don't take that away from me. I would also appreciate it if you stop quoting my quotes. They're mine. and they're put up there because of something that happened as well. Its fine if you want it on your blog as well, for whatever reasons you have. But pls at least put a disclaimer saying that its from my blog. Its not nice to just extract and not acknowledge.