I hate it when my brains get swamped with so many things, both minor and major. I just want to pull all my hair off and if possible, tear my brains apart.is there ever a time when you feel so bogged down with the many things going on in your life, that you just want to sleep, sleep, and sleep and never wake up? At certain times, my brains get so noisy, that all I want to do is sleep. Its so bad because sometimes I get bothered by silly things, and things that don't concern me. A trivial matter will grow into something huge and manifest in my brains into a full blown issue.

I love my daddy very much. I love my daddy very much. I love my daddy very much

I also love my mummy. I think. But I love my daddy more.

Why is it that when couples fight, it is always or mostly about how the other party is being unfaithful. in most cases, its the guy who has this problem. Can't guys just learn to be contented with what they have and stop fooling around? Its really annoying me how most guys are so unappreciative of what is in front of them and are always seeking new thrills in the form of a new girl.

Well, let me be a schizo and look at it in the guy's point of view.

See ar. if the girl can be more tolerant and understanding, then perhaps relationships won't break up so easily and so frequently. Since it is in a man's nature to be fickle inconsiderate and beastly, then women should cut them some slack and take it that their men are just having some fun and will come back to them given time. if ultimately two people still love each other despite all the foolish deeds on the part of the man, then breaking up should never be an option.

But then again, if a women is too tolerant and too understanding, then the man will take the woman for granted and think that his behaviour is acceptable.and he'll keep doing it.

Oh wells.

I believe, even in a relationship that seems to be stable, there'll definitely be a point in time when the man has cheated on the woman. I wonder if the woman really has forgiven and forgotten or will insecurities and mistrust be forever there.and how many of such r/s actually last till marriage and beyond.

Its not that I can't stand up for myself. Of course I can! I'm good at ranting and screaming and making huge scenes. I got it from my mama. Just that, only a select few sees this side of me. I know how to swear like there's no tomorrow and I definitely know how to holla at someone till their ears turn deaf. But I choose not to. Because, that's not the way an educated person should behave. Someone who is sensible would know when to shut their gap and when enough is enough.

I'm not like your many other girlfriends who will f*** you upside down at the slightest error commited. its because the girls you dated before were immature little brats. Not me.So why should I change the way I deal with my own emotions, just for you? You want me to scream at you just to make yourself feel less guilty. see? that's selfish behaviour.

Like I said, I hate myself for using silence as a barricade against you. because you deserve a severe beating up. But that's my automatic defense mechanism. I clam up when things happen. I just want to retreat and think of the best way to resolve the issue. The screaming and ranting will only come when I've straightened out my thoughts. which may take a day or two, depending on the situation. So you see? its not that I can't stand up for myself. I just deal with things differently.

You don't want to change ur vices for me. So why should I? especially if its just to make you feel better?

I'm not actually very nice. Its just that I haven revealed the ugly side of me, to you yet. I can't wait to see your reaction when one day I decide to unleash all my fury on you. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Even though he made a promise. I still find it difficult to trust him completely. There will always be alarm bells going off at the slightest abnormality in his daily life patterns. During times when I'm moody and pessimistic, I ask myself, why do I choose to put myself through such shit. I have no answer for that. answer me someone?

He brought her to the store. he brought her to the store. he brought her to the store.

How selfish and stupid can a guy get? Does he think both of us girls were his set of jewellery to parade off and let people judge which of us looks better with him?

whatever. My mind is working on overdrive. I hope she backs off completely. or I'm gonna bitch slap her if I ever see her hanging around subway.

Only when u're tested, then will you know your limits.

I may be small built, but I'm definitely no pushover. I always tell myself that I won't ever condon any kind of infedility. I know in the past, I will never accept anyone who's fickle in a relationship. I wouldn't accept guys with vices too. clubbing guys are bad eggs. But after going through all the shit above, I know that I have a very strong heart because, firstly, I'm still alive; I haven died of heartache yet. secondly, my life miraculously continued to go on even through all the shit above. Sometimes I feel angry at myself for being so magnanimous, so forgiving, so unselfish, so kind and so trusting. I definitely got all those from my dad. Its unnerving. But there's nothing I can do about it. I have always been mild tempered. Even when I'm angry, I keep quiet. This is the most disturbing thing I feel abt myself. Even when I found out he cheated on me yet again, my heart failed me. Silence was the only way I knew how to cope with the situation. Ranting is not beyond me. But as i said, I have such a big heart, that I swallowed all my anger and thought up of so many excuses for him.

But because of the way I'm brought up, and the many sensible friends I have, even through my severe heartache, my brains continued to function. Till now, I don't know how I managed to survive through those few days of absolute agony. See? this is called triumph in adversity. If I were just an outsider listening and watching my life through this trying period, I would never believe I could be this strong.

I'm not Aileen Almighty for nothing you know.

Fell ill on V-Day. lucky me. Flu always has to hit me on all the right occassions.

Everyone goes into relationships for different reasons. What one person wants out of a relationship, might not be what the other person wants. So therefore, an outsider has no right to say whether a couple is compatible or not or whether they have a future or not. Simply because an outsider is an OUT-sider and do not exactly know both sides of the coin.

A particular asshole has been very forthcoming about airing his 'oh-so-smart' comments on how the boyfriend is a lousy shit ass and that we should quickly just end it before it gets worse. I'm of course aware of the disparity between the both of us. I thank him for being so concerned. But I definitely do not appreciate the super dramatic monologue he shared with me.

Just because I don't share how sweet and loving and caring the boyfriend is, doesn't mean he's a hooligan who should be dumped. Just because you and your broke girlfriend are so sweet loving and caring and see each other every freaking day, doesn't mean both of you will be together till the end of days and to eternity. I've seen too many breakups and bizarre situations in relationships. Its a well known fact that the matters of the heart is unpredictable. I will definitely laugh till all my teeth drop if you guys don't even last through the year. At least for me, marriage is not in my agenda. fancy wanting to marry a girl whom u have been for only 2 freaking months? That's ridiculous. really ridiculous.

I'm not able to say what is it I want out of a relationship yet, cuz I haven given it serious thought. I used to want financial relieve, arm candy and perhaps some drama and excitement. But not anymore. The arm candy element will always be in my list. But the others have to be cancelled out. I would like to say that I want a relationship that is simple and pure. One that is based on love, adoration, and respect. nothing more. But its cliched. and so doesn't exist. Whatever it is, I'm happy the way I am now. Although sometimes my courage and optimism fail me, I know as long as love exist between 2 people, a break up should not be necessary.

Thanks alvin, for clearing my mind. I'm having such a hard time defending myself from detractors. I'm tired.

Love is always patient and kind
It is never jealous
Love is never boastful or conceited
It is never rude or selfish
It does not take offence and is not resentful
Love takes no pleasure in other peoples' sins
But delights in the truth
Love is always ready to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes

Are words all you want? are they? are they? huh? huh? huh? What about actions. what about feelings, what about the heart. Do they all mean nothing to you?

If you are one of those guys who say 'I love you' to your girlfriends all the time, everyday, day in day out, night in night out. I would like to know who you are. I want to beat your big fat ass till they flatten, and kick you off to the moon and make sure you don't ever come back to earth.

I mean. it feels very nice to know that you're loved. But not in this manner. You can say 'I love you to me 1000000000000000000000000 times a day, but you most prolly don't mean it. Please. Besides having brains, I have a heart too. I'm not stupid. and I certainly can feel it when you fibb. Its so so so hard for me to believe you cuz your words are always lazed with honey, but ur actions don't reflect at all. Its fine if that's ur way of expressing 'love'. but don't force me to do it too. I'M NOT LIKE THAT! so STOP! You don't want me to change you, so don't try and change me! I express my affections for you in a different way. just because I don't say the bloody three words, doesn't mean I don't bloody love you. I'm silently sacrificing so freaking much for you. I don't think you even see it. You only see that I'm way smarter and capable than you and that I'm older. That's not fair to me. NOT FAIR. I'm so angry now. I can't breathe.

Why am I so freaking angry? its because its nearing VALENTINE'S DAY. and I don't want to pick a fight with you. Plus, you haf school and bloody subway to stress over. SEE? I'm the most considerate girlfriend on earth. I bet you don't see that as well. The only avenue I have now is ths piece of post which I'm gonna make public. I'm so freaking angry. I'm never ever gonna say those words to you again. If you want it in ur messages, I'll bloody spell them out and type them in for you. A thousand times over even. after all, you won't even know if I mean it or not. If words are what you want. i'LL GIVE IT TO YOU. Just don't make me say it. I won't BLOODY say it ever again. to you.

Peace off

Was talking to birdie baby about marriage v cohabitating. I'm all for cohabitating and against marriage. Well, I'm against marriage, but I'm not anti-marriage. er. sorry.am I making you confused?

It is prolly not a case of phobia of commitment, but rather the fear that my decision to marry was wrong and that I won't be able to tolerate living with the person for the rest of my life. I'm an impulsive person by nature. I take risk very willingly at the heat of the moment which sometimes pay off, and sometimes land me in boiling soup. People always say that you need to put in alot of effort to make a marriage work. Maintaining a relationship is hard enough. What more marriage. There is always a fear within me, of the other party waking up one day and realising that he doesn't love me anymore, or as much as he used to. Or vice versa. Its a scary thought. While hanging out with the Bishan clique ytd, Alvin said perhaps what I felt now wasn't love, but sympathy, empathy and pity(which all basically means the same thing.) That made me doubt myself for the longest period of time(1 night.haha ) I guess only time would tell. Time uncovers secrets, Time irons things out. I only hope Time is on our side. Banana wasn't very positive either.(as if he ever was positive in the first place) Sorry, I digressed.

Back to marrige v cohabitating.

Cohabitating is good. At least you get to find out the other party's living habits, and eventually decide for yourself if you want to marry and start a family with this person. its non-commital as well. i mean. there must be some sort of contract to keep the house clean and livable as well as a contract drawn up to prevent him from running away quietly with half your assets. Plus, another contract that holds him responsible if he ever gets you pregnant. er...now, that seems alot of work. But i can already imagine how much more worse it would be to marry. The contract/oath would not only be legally binding but emotionally scarring and financially draining as well. Same for cohabitating, but a marriage breakdown will be a milllion, zillion times worse because, firstly, it is recognised by law, secondly, it just shows ur inability to live, communicate, and breathe the same air as the other person. in short. your life is half ruined if your marriage fails.If while cohabitating, you find you can't stand the other party's living habits, or you quarel everday about minute stuff like how he always doesn't screw the cap on the toothpaste, the most both parties do------BREAK UP. well, a break up definitely sounds nicer than a DIVORCE.

My opinions might change in time to come as I'm still young. But for now, marriage irks me. I envy my parents' marriage very much. I only hope that mine would be as wonderful as theirs. God bless me.

Met up with 3 of the Bishan clique peeps. A, KH and banana. Missed these three kuku birds so much. They remind me of my studying days at the community centre. So much nonsense went on, that I'm somewhat convinced that army doesn't at all make a boy grow into a man. Army only makes the boys turn even more vulgar, even more uncouthed and even more sick in the mind than they already are. OK, with the exception of Alvin.

I seriously cannot imagine living anywhere else besides Bishan. I shall live and die a Bishan kid. Loves Bishan to death.

Hey PEEPS!!!

Do drop by CHICAGO STEAKHOUSE for a meal when you're in town. Its in Cineleisure Orchard. Right next to Subway. The ambience is uber good. A great difference between the surrounding fast food joint. The service is great too! So do give it a try =]

I've a new hair style in mind. I so hate my hair now. its so uber wierd. and I look like I'm fifteen(according to the chicago steakhouse peeps)