Watched smallville in Malaysia. During the ending of one of the episodes, This is what this character( I forgot the name)said to Louis Lane.

'Perhaps one needs to get through all the wrong ones, before one finally finds the right one.'

how true

Took a break at grandmummy's place at Malaysia for a few days. I have the cutest grandmummy on earth I tell you. It is not something I can explain easily. She's just the cutest to me and I love her very very much. I cannot imagine life without her. She won't live forever I know. But it saddens me to have to think of what might happen when death takes her away.

The aunties and uncles have so much to gossip about. It is like returning home to a feast. Everyone has so many things to say. It amuses me to no end everytime a small family gathering like that occurs. I sit and stare in awe at all of them, their mouths opening and closing, opening and closing, responding to no tunes or rhythms. Just a cacophony of sounds bouncing back and forth between each and everyone. My mom talks mostly about me and my periods of rebellion. I seem to always be a hot topic amongst them. They like to listen to how I fight with my mother. It sounds a little bemusing now that I blog about it. But I never ever fail to feel embarrassed at my misdemeanors. Oh wells, I provide entertainment at my own expense.

One of the gossip worthy material is about my two twin cousins. Auntie recapped about how her sons got beaten up in school. It was a horror just listening to her re-tell the tale. She must be hurting so bad when it happened, cuz I kinda saw her eyes tearing while she was relating the incident. Some people like to keep their pain in their hearts and suffer silently, whilst others relieve themselves of their bad experiences through voicing it out. Our family happens to belong to the latter category. Anyhow, I think nothing ever takes away the pain of having your own children hurt so badly by others. I won't even begin writing in detail about the incident. I'm just too horrified by it. Just ask me if you want to know what happened. I remember thinking to myself, we in Singapore take our safety for granted. Especially school going children. Even the gang fights or bullies in schools here, are not even half as bad as those in some schools in Malaysia.Even a little bullying gets reported in the national newspaper. What more a full blown fight. I'm ever thankful that fights between races seldom occur in schools here.

We also discussed the possibilities of the twins escaping or getting help. But after much thought, I thought to myself that, there really isn't much one can do, especially at the heat of the moment. Auntie says that what's worse was that during a seperate incident, the culprits got caught by the discipline teacher and together with the twin who got beaten up, got sent to the headmaster's office. Guess what. when auntie arrived at the office, the assholes were sitting on the chair, and my cousin was standing up. Can you believe it? It is as though those assholes are the victims and my cousin is the accused. What balls they have. The assholes just threw a 'minta maaf'(very sorry) to my aunt and expect everything to blow over. Don't even get me started on race issues. I may never stop. Which just automatically remind me that the boyfriend is not chinese.(I am hoping he doesn't turn violent one day)

Oh wells, apart from gossiping alot(a grand total of 2.5days) we ate alot too! food there wasn't really nice, but because they were so cheap, we ate alot. It was seafood on the first day, a feast at one of the family restaurants there and followed by heavy prata breakfast. You just can't help feeling like buying the whole place down when you're in a small town like that.haha.Its the snobbish Singaporean attitude again.(sorry. I can't help it)

We'll be returning back there again in a month's time for chinese new year, hopefully. can't wait. I have such a happening extended family.

What weight does the 3 words hold if it is used too blatantly and too often? Its ok to throw 'I love yous' around, amongst friends, like I do. But I'm not someone who will give away these words so easily. One must mean it when one speaks these words.

Something is getting on my nerves. Perhaps I'm just being over-sensitive, or over suspicious or both.

I don't know how it feels to be really in love. I don't think i'll ever know. The current situation feels wierd. I'm even beginning to tire of the person. don't laugh my friends. I'm not a player. I'm just trying to find someone who won't make my heart protest. I've dwelled on the possibility of commitment issues. But deep down, my heart knows. it tells me he is not the one. It was the same with the others. Now my heart responds the same way.

I always think that relationships are a matter of trial and error. If u don't try, you won't ever know who or what kind of person you would eventually like to settle down with. I'm thinking that this theory might be a selfish one.

I'm not taking this one seriously, because I know i'll end it soon. I'm just stalling for time and hoping that it won't turn ugly.

I'm such a bitch.

Scoured Far East Plaza today for birthday gifts. Chanced upon this quaint little shop at the corner on the top level. Its called L square(L to the power of 2) It is owned by this really young girl who's from China, whom I think might just be a little teeny weeny bit older than I am. I was apalled when she said that she was the lady boss, when I asked her. I couldn't believe my ears. Her shop is rather new but business seemed to be good. the key word here is 'seemed.'haha.What she sells are really unique pieces and might I say, even timeless. They might not be 'classic' pieces that can be compared to the Prada(s) and the Gucci(s) but they do fetch sky high prices. Not that I'm grumbling about the money spent. But I do appreciate one off pieces that you can wear day-in and day-out without being caught with another person wearing exactly the same piece. That would be too embarassing.

As I walked away after my purchase, I suddenly am reminded of my love for fashion. I love clothes, I love shopping, and I definitely love dressing up and making up.(This doesn't make me a Bimbo ok...) I like the feeling of being transformed when I step out of the house all pretty. Setting up a shop like that is no mean feat. First comes the exhorbitant amount of capital that I expect one would need. Then comes the cost of sourcing for clothes that are unique and aren't mass produced. I've thought of collaborations with local designers, as well as visiting countries other than hongkong japan and korea. But these ideas seem rather costly.

For now, I shall sleep on these thoughts swimming around my head. Perhaps when the time is ripe, and when I've finally earned enough, I might really go into retail and see what comes out of it. Even if things might not work out, I can always console myself with my ACCA cert which I hope I'll obtain eventually.

Received an email from a friend I used to be chummy with. She has since gone to a uni in canada.

Perhaps I'm just being oversensitive. But I feel repulsed whenever I read mails from friends who have gone overseas to study.Not because of how they phrase their mails per se, but because what they are experiencing now is what I want very badly since young. I've always wanted to be able to travel and experience the different cultures around the world. But because of a set of highly conservative parents who think i'll never come back after being packed away on a plane, I don't have the luxury of experiencing schooling overseas. Its a sore feeling. So whenever I open their mails, I feel jealousy surging from my bones. Its not even the simple feeling of envy anymore. its jealousy. This is how badly I feel.

Every experience to them is wonderful, intrigueing, fun, exciting, and at odd times, culturally shocking. But each word to me feels like they're goading at the fact that those in singapore are not, and can't be where they are(referring to me of course.) And these overseas friends never fail to mention how homesick they are. I cannot tell you how dumb I think they are for saying that. If u feel so strongly and depressed about not being able to be at home, den don't go in the first place! since you're there, why waste time grumbling and grousing so much?! just whining a little is fine by me, I can kinda understand the feeling of being away from home for a long period of time. Getting suicidal, depressed, and overly absorbed with home sickness is not ok. stupid people. I mean. I used to see them as friends. not anymore. I feel ashamed for saying this. but I can't help it. people whom are away from me for too long tend to get booted off from my circle of friends. not that they care anyways.

I hope fervently that by the time I finish what I'm studying now, I'll be able to prove to the folks that I'm all grown up and ready to take on the world.Also, I better be able to swear on my life that I'll not get hooked onto marijuana, heroin ice or any kind of stupid drugs while I'm there and come back home instead of checking into a rehab some place else. (worse still, siphon off the folks' money and go globe trotting. very tempting idea indeed.)

Then maybe, maybe, dad won't go back on his words, and reward me with a plane ticket and school fees for further studies.

sometimes, taking things too seriously will not do much good. this applies especially between two people. Sure, i do not believe in platonic relationships. But i'm beginning to see the beauty of it.It is flirting without strings attached. It is knowing yet not saying, and it is not giving too much due consideration to what goes on in the person's life outside the sphere of the two people.

The possibility of what may happen is infinite. and it is this that thrills me. I may sound abit sick and to some extend,'loose'. Just as long as I know that I won't succumb to any sexual deeds with just anyone. who cares what others say.

There was once a time I believed very strongly in monogamy and all the other righteous things like faithfulness and honesty between two people in love. But I don't feel so strongly about these values anymore. I used to hold on to them so dearly. I guess I grew up and learnt the ways of the changing world along the way. Whatever unconventional values I've come around to, there is however one thing that i'll never condon or accept. That is, to get involved with a married man. However open-minded i may be, I feel some things just cannot be overrode just like that.

Ikea-ed today! haven been to the place in ages. Its a lovely place to shop for stuff for one's home. I'm so gonna model my home from their many displays there.

The food there sucks. I saw potato salad and suddenly remembered friend M saying that it was very good. So i decided to try it. it turned out not very nice. not disgusting, but not exactly nice either. the tomato spaghetti taste the worse. ok. from the name itself i should have known not to even try it.

We went to this place xxxxxxxx for a snack that day and something amusing happened. Its so stupid. i don't know what to think. There was this ah beng type waiter who was trying to act classy. You just can tell from his ah beng hair and ahbeng lingo. Anyways, he tried to act smart by memorising our orders. As expected, he forgot our orders as more people started coming in. Even after finishing the last crumbs of our cake, our drinks still hasn't arrived yet. we were freaking thirsty from all the talking and laughing and that ah beng still continued to walk pass us serving others. Now, the exciting part. we pointed out to him that he forgot our drinks. and in his act classy way, he apologised. He then said that its his fault for forgetting, so he's gonna treat us. I waved him away and said no need. Guess wad,when we were leaving, he shoved into my hands the cost of one cup of coffee. ah beng flirting with diners in broad day light! I was amused yet disturbed at the same time. not to mention, friend S was riled.

Sometimes, people are just so wierd. There's just so many wierd people around. I was thinking to myself just recently. maybe we should embrace these people with an open heart and mind, because it is them who provides entertainment for us and sometimes put our views into perspective. cheers to weird ppl. (I'm suddenly reminded of min's story of fully tugged in shirts and ankle-length skirts in srjc. hahaha)

I am back after a long hiatus. Its wierd how sometimes I think of something to blog abt, and when I'm at the create post page, I can't squeeze a single word out.

Oh wells. my life is reverting back to peacefulness. No outings everyday, no phonecalls in and out by horrible brainless guys and no stalkers. I have come full circle, I must say. Its good to be a recluse I realised. Less friends, less trouble which also means less fun.

I have approximately one more month of 'free-dom' before work starts piling its load on me. Better remind myself everyday to cherish the time and not waste it all away.

I swear the computer in SAA is loony. I don't know how the hell I could have passed the bloody thing. The first few questions were questions I've never seen in my life. the subsequent questions weren't any better either.Those when you cannot ascertain that you've gotten the answers correct.

conclusion: computer is loony.

my girlfriends know I love them. so therefore the reduncy of the tribute.


actually..I'm just lazy.

haha

I have an extremely bad case of 'day-dreaming' while studying. I always like to think that the brain is a very powerful tool. But I would also like to add that it may also be dangerous. The brain follows no orders. It wanders wherever it wants to, even when you tell it to stop. It may listen to your commands sometimes, but only for a fraction of a milli-second. That makes the brains dangerous.

While studying, 'the brain' went into zoning out mode. Guess where it landed? It stayed for a long while at the 'yuanyuan' memory. Then it moved on to Johanan. Then to the comparison of both of them, and then it led to this post. Which is supposed to be a tribute to some very significant individuals who helped me grow up. Its quite a sudden and random idea. But seeing that the end of the year has inevitably showed its bum, I might as well take the chance to write some tributes.

Yuanyuan first. I can never stop thinking of you. You're such an asshole. But you really taught me the definition of an asshole. I learnt that you represent only the minimum requirement of assholes. because I believe that there would definitely be people who are much worse than you. I've heard many stories of even bigger assholes. Not that I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt. I don't care if you change or not. I like you for who you are. asshole or not.

Johanan. Its been awhile since we talked. But he never fails to provide me with many interesting intellectual insights to the various aspects of life. What the heck. Life IS mind boggling. If not for some of the overwhelmingly happy events which happened in MY life, I would just give up on life already. Thanks to Jo, he puts my life back into perspective. I just seriously love intellectual guys. You learn so much more from them than you can ever learn during any girls' night out. I feel ashamed for saying this. But I really do like girls' night out too. But I like intellectual debates with smart guys as much. no offence.

my brains contemplated comparing them. but i'll just scratch that out totally, cuz you can't compare asshole with gentleman. cuz the asshole will lose big time.

Maurice. My musically inclined, but interestingly eccentric friend. I cnnot begin to tell you how wierd this friend is. But he's still a very good pal. Like Jo, he's intellectual too. albeit, in a different way. He shuns conventions like nobody's business. God bless him. He found a friend like me who so totally finds his insights refreshing but....wierd. He taught me many things too. Especially in terms of the classical music world. I admit I'm quite a lazy person when it comes to research.But thank goodness. He's there to spoonfeed me with little bite sized information when I need it. It has ever occured to me before that I might just be making use of him. Well, to some extent, yes. But I still like him as a friend. enough said. anymore will just come off as being defensive.

I have a couple more I would like to mention. But I shall leave it for another time cuz now's the time to HIT THE BOOKS! those mentioned above happen to be guys. sorry gals. wait for the other post!

I would like to add that, very seldom do I meet intellectual girls with the same wavelength as moi. Except for my best friend of course. don't be offended though if you happen to be a die-hard feminist. I just happen to know more guys than girls. 'you can put the blame on me'

your shirt looks good on me!!! (pardon me for being thick-skinned)

loveyoudeepdeep

Some people, you just can't stand.

What is the definition of family? According to dictionary.com, it is a fundamental social group in society typically consisting of one or two parents and their children.However, I think this is a rather cold and detached definition. A family, I think not only should consist of one or both parents and their children, but these family members should also share an affinity and affliation with one another. What is a family without familiar feelings of kinship, skinship and parent-child bonding or bonding between siblings?

I feel sad for my young tutee. It is bad enough that he comes from a single-parent home, with the mother being the sole bread winner. But it is worse that he lives with two adult siblings. Each of these three children in the house including my tutee, lead seperate lives. I do understand that in this circumstance, the mother is not to be blamed. After all, she has to compromise something since she can't be both a fulltime mother to her children, or a working individual bringing home the bread and butter everyday and ensuring that her children live as comfortably as possible. Logically thinking, the resposibility then falls on the eldest child to keep the family together. Either that, or someone else in the family have to then take charge and see to the other's needs. Unfortunately, this is not the case with my tutee. He comes home to an empty house everyday. Even though his siblings may be at home, they lock themselves in their own rooms and emerge only for meals.

Well, I have something against the eldest asshole in the family, if you're wondering what this post is about. He's waiting to enlist into the army. But while they haven't called him up for service yet, he isn't working either. I feel the utmost disdain for this particular asshole. He doesn't work,he doesn't laze around the house the whole day either. He goes out quite often since I don't see him around most of the time. From what I picked up, he still gets pocket money from his bread winner mother. How the hell can someone be so insensitive and thick-skinned I don't understand. The least one could do in such a circumstance is to find some job to do and earn some extra money on one's own. It is amazing how one can totally abandon the idea of a family and go around gallavanting on the streets with the mother's hard-earned money in one's pockets. It is not my business to care. But I feel sad for my tutee that he has to live with such an asshole of a brother.

I really hate ants. They are one of the most sickening creatures on earth.

I used to keep getting very warm welcomes from these hideous creatures everyday I come home for school for lunch in the past. They appear with their whole colony of extended family. You cannot imagine how honoured I feel to be received by their extreme hospitality. It is a pity I have never seen the queen in action before. Or i would pass out in gratitude at such a great red carpet moment.

I remember feeling so supremely swelling with hounour while bowing my fingers at them, and watching the phenomenon of flattened bodies after each mighty bow.The feeling is exhiliarating.

I think they eventually got quite afraid of my excessive bowing and decided to stay away for awhile. I hope the queen comes soon. I can't wait to lay the red carpet on her and see her flattened body.

Now for some serious reflection. I really feel guilty sometimes for wiping out so many ants. But I can't help it. I hate it that I have to share my food with them. Who knows what filthy things their 6 feet stepped on before they come trip-trapping on my food. its just pure gross-ness. my disgust far outweighs the pity i feel for them. Funny how the more i type, the less guilty i feel. Now I can continue killing themwith relish and not think too much.

Perhaps if there is a religion for ants, the ant gods will want to reincarnate me into one of them. so I may know the pain of having one's life pinched out in a flash.

It was an eventful friday.

Don't you think it is weird to see two people who are completely alike in personality and character, being together? I give you an example. Let's say if both are spendthrift people. When they go out, both spend like crazy. one would spend excessively and impulsively on shopping and the other will spend impulsively and excessively on food, movie tickets, and whatever things that guys pay for. I think its crazy to have a couple like that. I'm not one of those people who believe in matching personalities, matching character traits or matching whatever else in a partner. But neither do i believe in the theory that opposites attract. That will be too freaky too. I can never imagine myself dating a quiet guy. To say that I believe in soulmates would be too much of a cliche. I choose to say that I believe in fate. I believe that you meet people for a reason. Whether it is for the purpose of healing you in times of need, or to enrich your lives, people do meet at the cross roads of each other's lives through fate i think.

I don't regret meeting you, though you screwed my A levels. I'm aware that I'm shooting myself in the feet by saying this, because this also means that I do not regret screwing up my A levels. Well, Some things are just mutually exclusive don't you think so? I'm glad that you realised that you were the source of my happiness, as well as the source of my pain. I feel glad hearing this from you that night. It shows that you were at least aware of how I felt. Thank you. I remember feeling depressed for so long. Happiness feels like something new to me now. Well, I do doubt that I'm genuinely happy at times. But seeing you again was liberating. The sense of familiarity was suffocating. Yet I felt trepidation at the same time. It was exhausting to thread carefully between that fine line between us. I'm proud I didn't fall over because I don't want to experience that kind of hurt again.

You didn't completely change. Neither did you completely stay the same. Similarly, we, as a collective noun, weren't completely the same either. you were still as animated. I on the other hand was a little inhibited. You tried to step over the line. like how you always used to. But I kept you away, something I wouldn't do in the past. Time helped me see things clearer. I don't blame you anymore or hate you with a vengeance. But I saw the sameness in us that day. We are too alike.

Were you expecting me to say that I would date you when you asked me that wierd question? sorry. I spoke the truth when I said I wanted no one. not you. not him. not anyone. I have grown too faint-hearted to play the many facets of mind-reading games anymore.

About the shoes. sorry. I lied. I threw the other one away. out of anger and spite. But thinking back, if i were to be given a chance to turn time back, I would still have thrown it away. I'm not one who dwells on unhappy things for too long if I can. I like to move forward. The shoe symbolised my inapt of getting over you. I grew even more frustrated seeing it. and so that's how it ended up in the incinerator. I'm glad you still keep yours.

We can be the best of friends.

you're not my soulmate. neither am I yours.

But I still love you. (because you still remembered i loved rocher =] )

I finally got the chance to indulge in my most favourit-est shushi.A throbbing headache did however mar the enjoyment process. But overall it was good. I mean. the shushi.

Sorry 2 of you(you know who you are) if I kept on bugging you guys abt shushi. But now that I have satisfied my cravings, you won't hear me whining away, pining for shushi anytime soon. The key word here is 'anytime soon'. haha.

I shall go straight to the point since no-one likes someone who beats around the bush. Recently, this particular girl, has been irritating the hell out of my ass. I'm one who tolerates most of the time. But like river banks, my heavy heart can only have space for so much. I'm at my bursting point. writing then becomes my therapy. here goes:

Dear xxxxx,
Do not accuse me of being gutless. It is not because I lack the balls to tell you. It is simply because seeing as you have such a screwed-up character, I doubt you're able to grasp the meaning of the strings of words arduously put together for your benefit.

First, the good things.(you don't get to choose between the good things first, or the bad things. I, the writer, has the ultimate authority to do so. so shut up.) You have the ideal height, look fine(not disabled) and have an average intelligence level(or maybe not). Full stop. I have no more good things to say about you.

Next, the bad things. You know, if you just not say anything, there is a chance that people might like you. perhaps you could go into self-induced dumbness? like how some kids do when they've experienced an extremely traumatic event. Other than that, you have no redeeming qualities at all. I am pretty sure you're going to bombard me with the 'no one is perfect theory'. if so, you are the most imperfect being that i know off.(i stopped short of saying, 'in the world')

It is really fine to think that you are the prettiest girl on earth. I think like that too, on good days. It is another matter altogether to verbalise it in such a mock innocent manner, as if you believe your own shit with all your heart and soul, and would like others to believe so too. Well, too bad. Others will only eventually form an impression that is opposite to what you're trying to convey. The brain is a very powerful tool. It is more than capable of sending signals to the eye that will change its image in a heartbeat.(you beware of your brains too, they betray you, all the time.)

Might I remind you that you are TWENTY years old? I say, you are abusing the freedom of speech. It is extremely fine by me if you tell me you're the prettiest thing on earth and illustrate it with numerous examples, like maybe once every half a year. But it is NOT OK, if you do this everyday. Perhaps you have a motive for doing so? would you like others to have 'envy' written all over their faces in green? or would you like them to worship the ground you walk on? how about we kowtow to you whenever we see you? NAH. that's not going to happen anytime soon. not even in any of your lives reincarnated.


I know what you would say if you were asked what your favourite word is. it would be....(drum rolls......) 'I' Miss xxxx, If there's something you need to know, that is, 'I' is actually a bad word for people who are not eloquent or blessed with a good command of english. A word of advice. Refrain from using it at all in your case. Know what effect it causes everytime you open your mouth to say 'I'? people cover their ears and wish with all their heart and soul that all kinds of slimes in the world will come spilling out of your mouth at the next word you want to say. I swear. its true.

The list goes on. I feel the mental state of my well-being slowly disintegrating. There are more things I would like to say, just that my brains are sending me:'go to sleep' signals. and so ends today's post.

The blogging bug bites. It is not for the desire of displaying to people the happenings in my pathetic existence, but for my sadistic self to see my life written out plainly in alphabets. Perhaps I might get some sudden psychological or philosophical surges with regards to why I even exist in the first place. For you who stumbled upon, I shall call you 'stumblers'. read at ur own risk. For those whom I allow here, happy reading! I hope I don't shock you too much with my somewhat bizarre entries at times.

Do not fret. I won't delve into things that are too dark, angsty or emotional. The key word here is 'too'. But I can't guarentee that you won't stumble upon a very angry post(angry is vastly different from angsty) or a very sad post (sad being different from emotional). Point is, I won't torture you 'stumblers' with issues that will provoke or disgust. MOderation is the word.However, I'm just your average teenger girl. I may be prone to squealing in delight, bursting with joy or anger, and definitely capable of whimsical but otherwise sensible thoughts. If there's one thing I would never do in my writings, that is, I would never deliberately write in short forms or abbreviations. They can be very extremely irritating. I would only go as far as common abbreviations that the whole world understands.


There were plans initially to start a fashion blog, seeing as i love clothes and love dressing up even more, and the thought of a food blog even occured to me as well. Alas, I realise that these ideas and plans would never materialise. I am a tech-idiot you see. Taking pictures is fine by me. I take good pictures. sometimes. But how in the world one puts the pictures literally, into the computer, is beyond me. I mean, I've tried it before. But.....you guessed it. I took ions of years to get it done. It didn't even turn out at a reasonable standard. So i decided, it isn't worth all the time. I would really rather study.(shocked are you?!)

No fashion blog, no food blog, just plain old me writing incognito. updates can be rather sporadic. so don't check back too often. Don't be too surprised as well, when you find this blog gone one day.The blogging bug comes and go as and when it feels like it. The longest I lasted was half a year. I'm curious to see how long I can hold out this time. cheers!

love.
license to breathe.