We are a mass of complications. We have souls that are maleable, which changes characteristics according to what we see and like. When we see a person who is everything we want to be ourselves, we emulate the person. When we see a person who stands out, but in a very sophisticated way, we try to figure out what makes the person tick, and extract a little of her sophistication for our own use. When our friends manage to get the things they want, we question, how come she gets it? I want it too. If I try and be like her, I'll probably succeed as well. So that's why they say that you bring a little part of your frens with you in each passing day. You pick and take characteristics from people whom you've crossed paths with and make it your own. You change a little of your thinking everytime someone shares with you their thoughts and feelings. You argue your point across as well, since you don't want to be seen as someone who just absorbs like a sponge and has no opinions. But neverthless, the other person will always affect you more than you think she/he would. You would stick to your point of view vehemently. But you know deep down, she'he has a point. What makes you the person that you are, will remain, in essence. But we're a mass of complications, because we have maleable souls.

Jo says nothing ever surprises him anymore. including me.

Its not that I don't know right from wrong anymore. Its just that the wrong seems to blend in with the right. What seems wrong then, doesn't seem very wrong anymore.

Two wrongs don't make a right.

It being a social norm, doesn't natuarally make it the right thing to do. But, being the open -minded person that I am, I shall look at it at different perspectives, instead of judging, which I'm very tempted to do. But manage to restraint from doing.

I'm talking about pre-marital sex.

Quite coincidently, a few days ago, I found a pamphlet on the table, with the caption 'sex in a relationship'. of course there were differing views. I'm just glad that there were still people who felt that virginity is sacred and should be saved for marriage. Sadly, these kind of encouraging comments were far and few, and printed in small font.

So if you ask me if I'm for or against sleeping with a boyfriend, I seriously have no answer for that. I only know that I won't be showing my bare ass to anyone i've known for a short period of time. However much I may love the person, however easily I may trust a person, sex is a different dimension from your everyday kissing and fondling. There are many risk involved in performing the act. I will first need to know, if the partner I'm sleeping with is worth all the trouble. think birth control, think contraception pills, think side effects (besides having bigger boobs) think sleepless nights worrying abt the period. think PREGNANCY. The mere thought of pregnancy is enough to send shivers down my back.

Whatever your reasons for doing it, don't try to defend yourself. I'm sure you KNOW what you're doing. like you've always known what you were doing. in the very distant past, in the very present, and let's hope, in the future as well. keep it up.

Sing like no one's listening,
love like you've never been hurt,
dance like nobody's watching,
and live like its heaven on earth.”


don't cry because its over.
smile because it happened.


One day you'll miss me like I miss you
One day you'll cry for me like I cried for you
One day you'll love me, and I won't love you.

(Mark twain)

be a quiet social butterfly or a bubbly loner

A thought suddenly occured to me the other day.

Have you ever observed someone else's desperate desire to hold on to something? A mother desperately trying to rein her uncontrollable daughter in, A wife desperately trying to onto a marriage that is crumbling, A person desperately trying to hold onto someone who has already turned their back.

It is an ugly scene. The party doing the holding on, would display all sorts of actions and behaviours very untypical to what he or she would normally do. In the act of desperation, nothing matters more than to be able to grasp the person and to pull the person to your side. Your life, career, family, friends, pride, everything is cast aside. everything is at stake if one does not manage to succeed. When you are next to a person like that, you would feel that the person is a total stranger. Things you wouldn't expect one would do, one does it. and one does it all.

I must have terrified you all. But I think the person most terrified of my odd actions and behaviours, was myself. I couldn't understand what and why I was laying down everything for a bugger. I most certainly was not able to stop, take a deep breath and step away to look at myself from the sides. Well, you might come up with the arguement that no one could have reflected on their own being when they're put in such circumstances. But I chide myself because I've been in a similar situation before.

This thought didn't occur to me until late. I felt a sense of dejavu. but couldn't quite put a finger to it. As I was desperately trying to hold on to him, my mother was desperately trying to rein me in. backtrack almost four years ago, I tried desperately to hold on to a friend whom I felt was slipping further and further away from me. I remember trying so hard. the outings, telephone conversations and the many text messages. the normal person that I am, is proud, conceited, cool, level headed and sensible. All that was thrown out the window and down the drain during the two seperate incidents.

I am ashamed of myself. I vow never to allow anyone to peel off my tough exterior again. Losing control of oneself is a scary thing. The worse thing is that it happens when you're least aware.

I hear a happy ending at last.

I'm not one who is cynical. Although sometimes I do gripe about the mysteries of life and grumble about the decay of humanity, I'm still positively optimistic deep down. I definitely do not believe there is a cure for the downward spiral of morals amongst we mortal beings, neither do I believe that I can be the cure for the dying earth, what with global warming and the likes. But I do believe that in the midst of life's tragedies, darkness, ugliness and decay, there exist a source of light, which is goodness and happiness.

People always say that happy endings are cliched and rare. I happen to think so too. but that still does not make me a cynic. It only motivates me more, to sit tight and enjoy the ride that life brings me on, while waiting for my own happy ending.

Happy endings might not necessarily only refer relationships. It can refer to many things. up to how one would look at it. Mine would encompass everything. am I too greedy?

still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
still a little hard to say what's going on

still a little bit of your ghost your witness
still a little bit of your face i haven't kissed
you step a little closer each day
that I can´t say what´s going on

stones taught me to fly
love, taught me to lie
life, taught me to die
so it's not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball

still a little bit of your song in my ear
still a little bit of your words i long to hear
you step a little closer to me
so close that I can´t see what's going on

I'm not an ardent fan of damien rice. But I definitely love this song very much.

Why is there a need to say so much when a single word is able to explain everything?
When in doubt, just call.

He is never one who is comfortable about expressing his thoughts and feelings. For him, yes means yes, and no means no, don't have to elaborate. Yes means ok.positive. no means, not ok. negative. Things are that straight forward to him. or is not? This probably doesn't represent the entire male population, because that came from Chong. I was discussing with him how much I loath one-word answers, or one liners. I always think people who give these irritating replies are people who cannot be bothered and couldn't care less about you. They don't care enough to want to type in full sentences, or to explain or elaborate. These one-word or one liner replies contain alot of meanings in them. I was trying to explain that they could be a means of showing anger, annoyance, or just a total lack of consideration. Well, turns out that the meanings encoded could be this simple: if one word is enough to convey a message, why is there a need to type in more? whether one is angry, frustrated, moody, or does not care abt the person receiving the message, as long as the message is conveyed, nothing else matters. fullstop. that is Chong for you.

I still loathe one word replies. I used to make it a point not to do precisely the things that I dislike in others. But because I feel no one seems to feel mutually about it, I desensitised myself from it. The result is then to do unto others what I would not want others to do to me. It contradicts. But it always feels better when you let your feelings go abit and not be too concerned or emotional about things.

I will always remember what this person said:
don't care. heck care. fuck care.

If it makes one feel better, then why not?

You know how we throw 'iloveyous' everywhere and all the time now adays? I've been thinking whether they mean it when they say it. Or is it just another phrase they say because something you did lifted their moods. or they just say it because they're in good spirits.

Anyhow, the phrase is much used, until it becomes diluted. I realised the only person I appreciate so so so much in the world, besides my family, doesn't really receive 'iloveyous' from me either. Neither does she say it. But I feel it. I hope its the same for her. See? I still believe that the greater the love, the less likely it can be contained into the 3 words. These 3 words are just not enough.

Actions will always always always speak louder than words. Only one who is blind won't see it. Love isn't just a feeling. Its visual.

It is really easy to ignore someone you don't like, or if you don't have the least bit interest in their lives.

That's what I realised everytime he tries to keep in touch. Some people just don't get the hint. either that, or they're in self denial. I'm not completely a witch, its just that, there're some people you just don't click with.

He always says : my life is totally pointless.

That got me thinking. I loathe people who have no ambition in life, who bum around doing nothing. People who have ambitions but still bum ard is another matter. I wouldn't despise someone so much if he at least had an ambition. But this person here gets on my nerves, because he is nothing. nothing at all. everytime I probe and ask him about his future, I don't get a response at all. he's really just an empty sheet of paper. not exactly clean. but empty. How the hell does one connect with such a person? beats me.

I'm sure there's more than only one reason why one ignores another. But I came to a conclusion that, if one cares enough about another, then one would not ignore another. am I making enough sense here?

when anyone ignores me now, I know the reason. that's because i don't mean enough to the person. another dispensable being. just like tissue paper. It sounds rather harsh. But its reality.

But its ok. I will always have sianboon with me.

Life isn't exactly a mess now. It has quieten down significantly. But that's only at surface level. But delve deeper, and I realised I'm losing control. There's a huge pile of notes leftover from my days of fun that I haven had time to consolidate. Law is fun, but I don't think I have enough time to finish revising. F5 is fun too. cuz its maths and common sense. But I haf been stuck on law and tax for the longest time that I'm neglectnig it. Tax is gone case. somebody save my soul. Thank goodness I'm not self-destructive. No point sccumulating more ugly scars jus because of the situation now.

What compels you to say goodbye everytime you, or someone leaves the house?

That's because, that may very well be the last words you say to the person.


Very often we take things for granted. We take for granted that our families will be intact, that our parents will always be with us, our siblings most importantly, will never leave us, because it seems that they live just to torture us. Since saying 'Iloveyous' and hugs and kisses everyday isn't in our culture, a simple 'goodbye' or 'i'm back!' should then suffice. I used to leave the house without saying a word. My sis would say 'goodbye!' wherever she was. even when she's in the toilet, she'll scream a 'goodbye!' to me. I never thought much of it. until I asked her one day why that was necessary. She gave me an answer that I'll never forget. from then on, I try to always say 'goodbye!' when I leave the house, or when someone else leaves the house. One shouldn't live life with regrets.

The only way to avoid feeling the weight of your actions on others is to feint ignorance

The only way to avoid feeling pain is to be nonchalent.

Memories are haunting. People may come and go throughout your lives, and a certain part of them are etched into you as they pass through. Whether they made you happy or sad, they leave footprints in the form of memories.

Pleasant and happy memories with people whom you had once come into contact with or with whom you still come into contact with, makes you smile at odd times when these pops up unexpectedly, or when something reminds you of them. You reminisce about times long forgotten, and wish fervently that you could turn back time, to experience that fresh peels of laughter, and those radiant faces and smiles so bright, they lit up the night. Not that you are not happy now. But as age catches up, smiles fade, and days grow shorter while night lengthens.You might also probably be enjoying life now, but with different people whose personalities contrast startkly with those you shared those happy memories with. Not that you don't enjoy the company you're having now. But people who grow up together with you since young are still more special than people you meet half way through your live. So those memories are sacred. Footprints that are etched so deeply, no amount of catastrophies can drown them out.

As deeply etched are the good memories, the bad ones resemble stubborn stains as well. That's why memories can be haunting. It is so easy for people to just leave or disappear from your lives, soemtimes without even leaving trails (except for memories of course) But what ultimately sticks are the memories. I don't think those who do the vanishing act actually feel as strongly about these memories. But those who are left behind would certainly be more affected by these memories which sticks. It'll be nice if these memories could also leave together with the person. But then again, that will not be remotely possible because of how we are made.

Because of the flambouyant personality I flaunted when I was still an immature child, my mind becomes a film projector with a wide selection of films. It is a film box stored full of films both bad and good. Some badder than others. Some more pleasant and wonderful than others. If I were given a choice to totally wash and wipe away cleanly the bad memories in my head, I would still choose to keep them. Strange isn't it? How much I resent them, but still can't bear to part with them. Well, many of the bad memories had messages encoded in them. Through life's bad patches, I learnt to decode them and try not fall back into demise again. Not only did these bad films send me life's messages, they toughened me up physically and emotionally as well. So whenever a bad film plays itself out, I grit my teeth, say 'fuck it' and continue to soldier on. I am positive there're even more people out there whose film projectors, which is their minds, stores so many bad films that the good ones get buried under. I can only say 'tough luck'. But I'll always thank the almighty that I have it easier and my situation is not the worse. I guess that's what keeps me going.

I am Aileen Almighty.

It is funny how life takes unexpected twists and turns and causes you to land where you are now.

For one, I never thought I could connect with Song wei at such a level. We were never on the same frequency. During our sec school days, He was quiet, geeky, bookish, and definitely hated me because I was so noisy. While I on the other hand didn't even notice or make an effort to notice him at all. A recent dinner with him showed me how wrong I was about the likelihood of me striking a friendship with him.

Like the old and cliched saying goes. People change. He definitely did change. Not only was he not so abashed anymore, he actually has interesting things to say. He can be quite funny at times too. All these I think, were non-existent during sec sch days. either that, or I just didn't bother at that time, to notice. Well, one thing however, remained the same. He still looks bookish and nerdish. I wouldn't have wanted to be seen with him in the past, seeing as to how I was very extremely superficial 4 years ago. But I realised I minded just a teeny weeny bit now. haha. not that bad la. only abit. But he is interesting enough to hold my attention that day. That's all that matters.

I bet Sian dearie will hit it off very well with him. That will be something good to look forward to.

Life never stops springing surprises indeed. What did I say about people being ugly and people getting together for all the wrong reasons? I hear of at least 2 such cases recently. I don't even remotely keep in contact with these people. But their choice of partners are hints as to what might be going on in their minds. I'm not condemning or passing judgements in anyway. These are just my observations. They are not meant to offend.

I had a series of dreams about you.

What is one's usual reaction when one gets really angry with another person? Will one lash out when one has reached one's limit? or will one just keep silent.

Does it mean I am a pushover if I refuse to lash out at someone who has done me wrong time and again? Why do I keep silent? I think it is because I'm not willing to deal with it. I prefer to sweep everything under the carpet. The sensible part of me knows that the problems are going to reappear again. But the protective mechanism in the form of self denial, kicks in. I just want to avoid the tears distress and frustration which comes along with confrontations.Even if I were to have to go through the anger again when the problem resurfaces, it would still be much better than a major blow-up. That is what I feel. Right or not, I don't know.

My head really hurts. My heart hurts too. Its PMS. definitely.

Chong is the real issue. Because of what he did, I'm forced to rethink the nature of human beings. I used to think that however mean a person is, there will always be a part of him/her who is good by nature. It is prolly circumstances or negative influences that caused the good to dissipate, and the bad to take root. sort of like a disease, or infection. But recently, I've been thinking that the opposite might be more true. No matter how nice or good a person is in nature, he/she is not totally or wholesomely good or genuine. So essentially, we are really just ugly human beings. All of us. Every single one of us.

I tried to counter my own argument that everyone is self-motivated, greedy, and selfish. But I drew a blank. A chat with Sian further drives the point home. That everyone is greedy, self-motivated and selfish.. I try to think otherwise. But I can't help but admit that it is the truth. The naked truth. Only I didn't give it much thought until a series of events ocurred recently.

Yes, I do know that people do make use of each other. manipulating is not uncommon either.I used to close an eye to it because I guess I was subconsciously doing it as well. But having grown more aware of the ways of the world through time, I can no longer close my eyes to what is going on. To suddenly come to a realisation like that stuns and depresses me. I have only two options. To deal with it, or to sweep it under the carpet again.

I told Song I was gonna confront Chong about it. But in the end, I didn't do it. I was too busy trying to protect my own sanity.(see? this is a selfish action.which makes me an ugly perosn.) I was thinking of telling her that :yes. I'm angry. But I gritted my teeth and said that I'm ok. I don't know how long I can put up with this.

I'm such an ugly person.

a little too uptight. serious. unconventional. i would say. silly even. but I shouldn't write people off like that

I'm into the all black ensemble again. I like colors. But i still prefer being all black. no particular reason why.

If you wander off too far
my love will get you home
if you follow the wrong star
my love will get you home
if you ever find yourself
lost and all alone
get back on your feet
and think of me

If you wander off too far

my love will get you home

if you follow the wrong star

my love will get you home

if you ever find yourself

lost and all alone

get back on your feet

my love will get you home



I love this song. Reassurance for an insecure person.

and think of me

~~~~~~~~Squeals~~~~~~~~

I didn't know guys like Levi still exist in this age and time. He's so sheepish, unassuming and cute. really very cute. I wish I could talk to him more today. But I decided to give him a break in case he explodes in embarrasment. Besides, everyone else in the whole entire classroom were staring at us.

He'll be going back to where he came from =(

No more sexy hair. No more sexy smile. No more eye candy. boho0ho0. The school is really pathetic. lack of eye candy is making life in school really boring.

I would have to object to Amy Winehouse's 'Love is a Losing Game'.

Firstly, I feel that love is not a game. Love shouldn't be a game. If love is not a game, then no-one wins or loses in it. I am aware I come very close to being cliched and idealistic. But fret not, lofty ideas and romanticism isn't my style. To most, love is a game because of the mind boggling aspect of whether to move forward, step back or just halt your steps. To guys, it most probably IS a game. Well, courtship DOES provide all the elements that constitutes a game, adrenaline rush, oozy high, deep depression, acute pain and definitely a sense of acheivement/victory/loss in the end. Because the game of love/courtship has become so elaborate through time, true love and courtship purely for the sake of love doesn't seem to exist anymore.

I look around me everywhere and can't help but think to myself. how many people are actually together because of love and not other discreet motives. People all around are getting themselves attached, or have broken up. How many of you are attached because you love/like/fancy your respective partners? How many people actually break up because of this simple reason : I don't love you anymore. I might be able to count with just my fingers and toes.

The reasons for being attached becomes more varied and fanciful (even more fanciful than love in itself i must say.) as we travel through time. Hooking up used to be for the purpose of procreating. That was right at the beginning of time when polygamus was openly practiced. love was probably too far away from everyone's thoughts at that time. It was a simple reason, however much you scoff at it. It makes sense even. because civilisation at that point in time needed many children to replace the dying or dead ones, given that mortality rate was so high. Fast forward to the present. I can scribble a whole list of reasons why people are getting themselves attached or hooking up with various partners. The list is exhaustive, even. But you can be sure that 'love' would be last on the list. (IF there is one.)

That said, point is, people are getting attached for all the wrong reasons. or rather, for reasons other than the simple reason: 'love'. The process seems to have reversed. Instead of getting to know a person and harbouring feelings through time, the process is fast forwarded with the aid of--- Gasp! not divine help. But by either of the party playing---Gasp! again! target shooting!!! No wonder Amy Winehouse sang Love is a losing game. What is the natural process of loving a person through time becomes unnatural, fake and uncommon at present. We say 'Iloveyou' so easily, dropping them everywhere, anywhere and most of the time, not even meaning it. When we take time to get to know a person, people automatically think you're a slow coach. knowing another's character becomes something you do only after getting together. Well, I would like to think its a continuous process. On the flip side, I'm also not saying that two people should be together only if they are truely in love. That is idealistic. What I'm driving at is that, our intentions of being together with a partner should only be pure. It should not be a practice for target shooting, nor should it be a cure for loneliness. Even if the initial phase does not constitute love, seeing as how love is a very strong word if you put it in the correct context, then the motives in being in a relationship should be to develop 'like/fancy/obssession', to feelings of 'love.' Of course not all relationships will work out in the end. There would always be a test drive period before both parties reach another stage in their relationship. But I think the focus should always be to develop love. not to 'test market' first.(quoted from min)

He has taught me so much more than I would ever learn in any of my past relationships. No matter how deeply hurt and depressed I feel, I can only whine about it, smile and laugh along with everyone else, mock Grace, hate Grace, hate him. At night, my memories turn time back. I discover more truths, uncover more lies, but strangely, feel no piercing agony, or unbearable pain. I only feel disappointed at my utter naiviette and distaste at the ugliness I displayed. No more target shooting for me. No more games. I'm too tired. To say that 'I'll never fall in love again' is a little too harsh. and it'll most probably be untrue anyway. I can only wish to horne my skills in being guarded and never to say these sacred words (iloveyou) to anyone again. I've given too many away. I need to store some for the special someone. (if there even will be.)