Mummy finally caught on.

'which boy you studying with?'

I really can't stand staying at home. Everyone expects me to do things for them. Don't anyone see that I have a life of my own to lead too? I can't freaking live by your expectations. Not because they're too high, but because I DON'T WANT TO!

When I'm at home, you want me to do the housework, clean, cook, wash the toilet. When I'm at home, he wants me to do work for him work work work. so what if he gives me money?! I would rather not take it. I would really still want to help if and when I have the time to. Don't need to pay me. What is freaking wrong with both of you???

You always say I don't like this family. Its really not that. I don't feel comfortable at all when I'm at home. I see you zipping around the house with a broom, banging chairs and tables along the way, I see you screaming at abel to mop the floor. Have you any freaking idea how stressed I am? I would do these things on my own accord if you don't demand that I do it.

When I'm doing something other than studying at home, both of you give me black face see. For what?! crazy? you make me feel so unwelcomed at home. Its like, whenever I'm home, I cannot sleep, cannot eat. only can study and work. If that is how the family is like, I would rather not come home at all.

I do my laundry on my own. I pay for almost everything on my own. food, transport, entertainment, phonebills. Everything. even lodging. Why can't you just let me off and stop instructing or expecting anything out of me? I know you want to think i should repay you for all the years of investing on my education and what not. But hallo? you cannot and should not demand repayment from someone in that manner. I'm a sensible person. I know that its my responsibility to be fillial. I just refuse to do it your way. I DON'T WANT TO.

The next time a guy leads u on and makes u upset cuz he only wants to be ur 'friend'. YOU have to learn how to get over ur feelings for the certain bastard. AND con't to be friends with him. Sounds absurd? read on. Because the bastard is a bastard, he would be oblivious to what and how u're feeling towards him and how inconsiderate he is to lead you on only to tell u that he doesn't like you. Befriend him. make him feel comfortable abt himself until he lets down his guard. then ATTACK. FIRE AWAY all the questions you 've always wanted to know the answers to. ASK and not be merciful abt it. shrug it away with an innocent face and a voice so saccharine sweet, he cannot bring himself to strangle you.

The torture subject as of yesterday, was YUANYUAN. yinghui. I hope you read this.

Its the harsh reality. you just have to soldier on. because such guys DO exist. We can't eliminate them by killing them off. so we gotta live with them. What we can do is, while trying to live with them, we can torture them. But before you can begin to harbour such evil thoughts, you must first learn to protect yourself. To protect yourself, you must learn to MOVE ON. You study psycology. so you should be clear regarding this aspects. Talk to yourself. Tell yourself you don't like him. When you make a conscious effort like that, your subconscious will work in your favour. You've been through even worse than this. you'll survive. don't worrie.

I raised your issue with yuanyuan. I didn't do it subtlyly. I did it very obviously and blatantly. I asked him straight, in his face. why did he do that in the past. I got most of the answers I wanted. But I had to dig them out of him and in the process, threw lots of sacarstic and in-your-face comments. He was peeved of course, just that he didn't show it in his face. I have to hand it to him.

Boys will always be Boys. Immature is the overall word to describe them.

Made my usual trip to every youngsters' favourite haunt (cineleisure) yesterday. I tell u. I had a whale of time laughing my ass off and feeling so bemused at everything I saw and heard.If I could raise my eyebrows, they would have been gone by now, disappearing into my forehead. The dumbo has a direct head who's not straight. I swear I wanted to knock his socks off when he asked if he and his boyfriend could share the cab with dumbo and I. Thank goodness I insisted otherwise. But guess what. they came over anyway. That is when all the wierd things happened. Let's just call the direct head S. S came over with his boyfriend who was drunk. He wasn't dead drunk. Just drunk enough to be spouting nonsense. He must have either hated the dumbo with a vengeance, or liked the dumbo to bits. I was the subject of his nonsense. He didn't say anything degrading or insulting. He just said the dumbo chose me over his ex cuz his ex was ugly. and he kept on repeating the same thing. my freaking goodness. I don't know whether to laugh or to cry. I just said thank you politely to him. The drunken is so weird I tell u! He kept on looking at me with slant eyes. I swear, he was smiling away slyly too. When friend A ask if he's ok, The drunkard replied with : I'm not ok. I'm bisexual. something like that. I was taken aback. S must have been so horrified. We took a cab down to The Spice intending to grab a bite. I wasn't too keen to go along with the drunkard and his partner. But circumstances render bailing out impossible. We were at the eating place for a mere 10 minutes when we realised that S and his boyfriend bailed out on us first. Prolly cuz the drunkard had a puking fit and couldn't for the life of him get up and walk properly. He prolly had a good time kissing the drain. In all my years of sheltered life, I've never come across such people, and certainly not such a situation. The Dumbo has been in the company of this bunch of screwed up wierd ppl and has gotten used to it. I only hope that he doesn' become like that, or worse, drag me into their strange world.

I want to talk to mummy so badly about it. about incompatibility. about heartbreak. but i can't bring myself to say it. I've a cousin who's a pharmacist. I remember shaking my head in disbelief when she married a mere contractor in the building industry. I chide her under my breath for being so impractical and blind. She has such a strong character and is overall a nice person, she deserves better. or so I thought at that point in time. I don't think I can ever bring myself to comment abt how incompatible ppl are anymore. The equation is balanced. point a finger at others and 10 points back. literally.


Brownie points for the boyfrend! best fren says he's very likeable.

It is easy to just love unconditionally and to have no strings attached. But in a relationship, Aileen smarty pants discovered that LOVE is not enough. How about TRUST? Is trust enough? or are both LOVE and TRUST enough? Well, the answer is : NOT ENOUGH.

I believe we've all watched korean dramas which thrives on scripts with rich female/male lead falling in love with poor/dysfunction female/male lead. and how they overcome all odds to be together. They almost always get together in the end. Well, I don't think real life works that way. It is certainly not enough to just love the other party unconditionally. when two people are together, alot of factors come to play. compatibility is one issue. family background is another. individual values is also yet another. I've confirmed my deepest fear. I have one leg into the water already. the other leg is going in soon. Des, the motherly figure warns me of the tough times ahead. She tells me many things. I then subsequently realised that both Des and I are in the same boat. I've never thought of us being similar at all. I pride myself on my abiliy to self-control. She's a different story altogether. yet we share the same story when it comes to our other half. My head hurts everytime i try to think of a remedy to the situation looming ahead.

My smarty pants friend johanan says:

eliminate all grey areas. Life is complicated enough as it is. Why make matters worse. like means like. Don't like means don't like.

I love jo so much. just went you think you can't sink any deeper down into the shithole anymore, he pulls you out of it.

Friend A once told me that she doesn't believe in developing feelings of love between two individual. She believes like means like. don't like means don't like. No matter how long the person tries to win ur heart, it is impossible for you to try and like the person back through the passage of time.

Friend B however tells me the opposite. She believes that it is possible to like or love someone a little more each and everyday. bottom line. She believes that love can grow over time. Oh and friend B is the one and only person whom I've met in my entire life, who shocked me by saying 'I think of sex as a very beautiful thing.' I don't haf any comments abt the statement in particular. I don't even think of it at all. Its so far away from my mind prolly because I don't advocate pre-marital sex no matter how ready two people are. Its just wierd to come across someone who really truly think of sex in that manner. Oh wells.

A certain lecturer is getting on my nerves. We thought a certain Lee was bad, what with all the pronounciation errors and all the gramatically incorrect phrases, until we met this certain lecturer. Can one understand the pain of attending a 4 hours minus 15mins break lecture, tuning into the droning of a flat duck-sounding monotonous robot? I'm not sure if anyone remembers the power rangers robot. I forgot its name also. Even the power ranger's robot sounds so much more comforting. Now you understand where I'm coming from? Everyone, say 'OUCH' now.

Ever wondered why most players are guys?

Well, I figured, girls have a wide array of emotions that bubble out of themselves. The pre-requisite to cheat on someone's feelings, is to have no feelings at all - That's what very few girls can achieve. It seems such a simple thing to do, just close your heart to the person but at the same time form manipulative strategies in your head on how to get the person to fall for you. Guys do that very well, probably because they're more emotionally simple and less likely to have complicated thoughts. (Sorry guys. feel free to rebutt.)

I am sensible enough to think logical stuff. But my heart always betrays me. It irritates the hell out of me. I wish I could be a cold person with a stone heart, so I won't get hurt, but that, I don't possess. No one can help me with my internal struggle, but all I wish for, is that you not judge me too harshly. I'm a walking contradiction I know. But life is full of surprises and unexpected twists. I just prefer to walk the path that most sensible people shun.

Why the battered wife stubbornly refuse to leave her abusive husband,
Why the wife stubbornly hangs on to a husband who habitually cheats.
Why do relationships still go on and on even though the love is not there anymore.

When guys check you out infront of you. and then tell you the results right after. You have no idea how horrifying it is. cineleisure has hell lots of crazy nuts.

On the surface, my life seemed to just iron itself out. But peer more closely, and you'll find huge under-currents just waiting to resurface. I know for sure it would some time soon. just don't know when.

I'm not an atheist. I'm a catholic. I believe in the existence of God, of divine help, of spiritual enlightenment, and of course, of the Virgin Mary. It is just that I don't go to church at all. Don't ask me why. Its not something I can explain or express in words properly. I once tried to explain it to Jerms, but even though he was intellectual and deeply philosophical, he didn't exactly quite get what I was trying to say. And so, I give up.



I always think that not going to church doesn't mean that you don't believe in God. Its all in the heart, I think. To be truthful, I never really think of God in times of need. Whenever I'm feeling so hurt about something, I just cry my heart and guts and lungs and kidneys out. I never ask why God is doing this to me. Perhaps subconciously I know that there is a reason why He puts me through such agony. You hear stories of how ppl blame God or question why are they being put on such difficult tests when all their lives they have been doing God's will and serving Him. Its like the more you love and trust Him, the more pain you feel because you think you deserve better if not more - This is probably one of the reasons why I reserve my love for the Almighty, deep deep down in my heart and not proclaim to the world about it. Sometimes I push it so deep down that I can't see or feel it. But somehow or rather, it would surface again to remind me that this feelings exist.



The talk with Miss D.M.M as well as the book I picked up from the void deck are fine examples. I'm not gonna go into preaching mode and tell you that God put them there for me.

I found another person to philosophise with. Its a feeling of liberation when talking to Miss D.M.M. There are really only a few whom I can philosophise with without feeling like I'm boring the other person with all my theories and odd question

Self reflection is very important, I realised. it makes a person so much more sensible, especially after experiencing a crisis. Many people block out self reflection, probably because they're embarrassed at whatever happened and wouldn't want to be reminded about the incident which made them act the way they did. I used to be like that too. I moved on too fast, without forcing myself to think back on the reasons why these things happen. and well, when crisis of the similar sort happened, I just shrug it off yet again. That was the old Aileen. I guess I've grown up and learnt to deal with issues and self reflect so as not to repeat the same mistakes again.

With age comes wisdom. Well, you might not necessarily come to know of the secret of the universe, but you sure become a little enlightened each year you grow older.

I've stopped mopping around and feeling moody already. I'm thankful cuz this reaction is considered very very very mild. It could have been worse. I pride myself on the ability to move on constantly. Its a feeling of triumph after the storm. Well... I'm Aileen. not any normal ah lian or ah hua u see on the streets. sure, i haf a penchant for ah bengs, and immature guys. But I'm still Aileen Almighty.

so it was insecurity that finally destroyed us.

Love does not seek to hurt. Love appreciates, is unconditional and at its heart is respect for the individual. Where there is no respect for a person and their feelings, there is no love.

I have the honour of meeting a lying. cheating. coward.

I am suddenly fascinated with why men ar ethe way they are.

why can't they keep their hands to themselves.
what are they thinking when they see other women behind their spouse's back?
do they feel guilty?

infidelity

would you give your boyfriend another chance if you knoew he cheated on you?

Would you give your husband another chance if u found out he had an affair?

i once had this conversation with someone about whether two people should still stay married if one of them commited adultery. She said. its not so much about the party commiting adultery. its more of whether the two people can still stay together knowing that this has happened. you may be surprised that most of the time, when this happens, people still stay married. not because of the kids, but because of the wife's magnanimousity.(i'm assuming that men would mostly be the ones having affairs.)

in retrospect, deep down in the reccesses of my heart, I do agree with what was said. whether two people can stay together after one party has had an affair, depends very much on the willingness of the other party to forgive and tolerate. My rational side tells me that this theory is crazy. how can any woman stand sharing her man. i would feel repulsed if i were to continue living with a man who had cheated on me with another woman. But i surprised myself yet again, when my heart tells me 'its okie. give him another chance. you can help him change.' that's probably what battered women, and women who have cheating husbands say to themselves. heck. they might even say it to themselves every morning when they get out of bed and when they sleep at night.

The rational side of me tells me that a woman might be crazy if she is willing to torture herself with thoughts of whether her man would pull another fast one on her. But the heart tells me 'you can try and trust him again. its all up to you now. you must be strong. he's a man after all and men are known not to keep their hands to themselves.'

I'm so disappointed with myself for swaying more towards the heart.

if only you would just apologize. I would consider taking you back again.

its just a thought. I really don't know if i have the courage to torture myself with trust issues if he really does ask.