When will I see your face again.

The song echoes in my head.

The tears come at odd moments. They come when I wake in the morning, when I sleep at night, and several more times in the middle of the day. I cry for the memories that refuse to stop rearing its ugly head at me. I cry for my stupidity in not constructing a contingent plan. I cry at the loss of an exciting and thrilling life with a person who is most wrong for me. I want to go to a place where I won't fall into a quagmire and sink leaving only my hands outstretched. I'm glad we didn't hang out at my favourite places. or he would have left his ugly footprints on places I love.

This relationship is very different from most others, and yet strangely similar to every other one. I expected the gullible, naive, funny boy who was so totally devoted to me in the past. but unexpectedly get a mutation in a totally different form now. Do I like the person he is now? Sure! of course I do. Do I love him? Do I really really love him? I don't know. All I know is that I look forward to seeing him all the time, and there is nothing I won't do for him. Even if its the most difficult of task. Is that love? has my liking grow to love in the short span of time?

When I sit alone in the dark corner, and don't do or say a thing, I listen to what my heart tells me. It whispers very softly, but firmly to me. 'Aileen, this is not love. This is not how love is supposed to feel like. this is not how love is supposed to BE like.' Then I feel sad all over again and my heartache acts up once more.So why do I feel such a strong feeling of being lost, of losing, and of great pain? My heart says ' Well, its because love was a game to you at first. You seeked to make the person like you more than you'll like him. he was an easy person to manipulate because you didn't know he changed and that was why you chose him.But the person he is now isn't the person you used to know. instead of playing a good game, you ended up playing a dangerous game because he raised the stakes by playing along with you. The more challenging he is, the more lies you have to tell him, until even you believe your own lies. The more he tried to push you away, the more risks you took just so you can win the game. Men are old hand when it comes to such games. Even though they may not be experienced in the field, their instincts are dead accurate. They know when to let go. You can't, because you're a girl. You're a silly girl who plays with fire, and got yourself burnt even without knowing it. Just like walking around happily with your hair on fire. You don't feel satisfied because you LOST THE GAME. not because you lost him. Now that i've made everything clear to you, get your butt moving and forget him.'

I didn't grow up from what happened. I just grew stronger.