Sometimes, you can't help but care.

Please don't be cliche and tell me looks are not everything. Looks ARE everything. well, to most of us. He prolly chose her cuz she has big boobs and can dance.

Her hair looks a combination of straw, dried grass, hay, and twigs. So gross I tell you. She doesn't look very fantastic either. palid flat face. eyes that don't sparkle. dull disposition. Her only saving grace is her height. she's not very tall. average. But nothing apealing on the surface. I'm not even being biased. Chong says she's ugly. If Chong says she's ugly. means ugly. i trust chong. I've never thought of myself as pretty. I don't even think i'm average. but after one look at her. I feel like i've won a beauty peagent. Its not about him anymore. I got over him already. Its just about losing a game to another person. Well, I'm not a sore loser. I am a GRACious loser. She can be the karang guni while i go in search of better and newer goods.

She may prolly be a very bitchy person underneath. someone who has alot of things to say about alot of things. or someone who's exterior belies what's inside, who has many different facades and plays masquerade at different intervals with different people. But either way. I don't think much of girls who sleep around. She must feel so empty inside.

I should stop banning myself frm movies and cineleisure. I shall continue to show my pretty face there every now and then. just for the fun of it. Why should I be banned frm that place just because of someone else's stupidity?

Watched rule #1 with yuanyuan. The movie's not very good. I have no explanation as to why I felt its not good. But chinese ghost stories don't really enthrall me.

The orphanage is SO GOOD! go watch go watch!! I was pinching chong all the way. its scary. but not scary in the 'hideous face ghost pop up every minute' kind. Its more of doors slamming shut, cacophony of voices floating ard, and sudden unanticipated movements. badly painted faces popping up out of nowhere is freaky, but just doesn't make a good movie. Not to mention, the storyline is not bad for a horror movie as well. I don't usually pay money to scare myself. but lately, i feel there is a need to channel anxiety, adrenaline and shock somewhere else, lest i go crazy. Definitely one of the better horror flicks I've seen in awhile.

Those of who know me well know I have a penchant for doing things the unconventional way. These includes dating guys who are not the same race as I am. Race is a touchy topic. and I don't want to go to jail for blogging about it. But I feel the need to air my views over this particular group of people.

Shannen's right. Well, everyone's right, for that matter. These people live really screwed up lives. Sometimes I try to see it in their point of view. But I find it so difficult to feel sympathy for them. The ex belonged to this group as well. Having been around these people for quite some time, I caught a glimpse into their troubled world. Let's not talk about vices like smoking and clubbing. because this is apparent in most of the different social groups.(you know what i mean). But I have to say that their mentality and perspectives are all super screwd up as well. Of course not all are like that. I refuse to think that. But its undeniable that it is rare to find someone who lives a normal life amidst all the chaos drummed up by their similar counterparts.

One thing that is shockingly common place amongst these people, is their inability to maintain serious relationships. I'm not saying this just because of what happened with the jerk. I'm looking at this issue with an open mind. But the wider I keep my eyes and mind open, the more ugly things I discover about these people. I can laugh and just remark: 'what is this man! game ar? very fun meh? get one and throw another one. They don't know what's the meaning of aids meh? they think only sleep with prostitutes then will get aids is it?' Its amusing when you're an outsider just looking in through a glass screen. But when you have actually stepped into this crazy world with one foot in, you can't help but shake your head and wish you could do something about it. Of course I'm not intending to be a martyl and sacrifice myself to save these rotting souls. But I do wish I can find someone in this social circle who is sincere and normal.

Another issue that makes one crinch is their apparent lackadasical attitude to all things in life. When I say all, it really means ALL. Its so totally mind boggling how they're able to just party without a care in the world, burn their books, and literally just live like there's no tomorrow. I'm aware this makes them the most exciting, thrilling, fun and intriguing people to hang out with. After all, this is what attracted me to him in the first place. But don't they ever think about anything else besides money party and sex? The future to them really literally means 'FUTURE'. far far away. isn't it amusing?

Despite all these, I shall continue on my quest to find one who is most right out of all the wrong (Maximin decision making. jeanie and meanie should find this term familiar.) But I'll be really careful this time after going through all the shit.

suck it up and soldier on aileen!

p.s. I don't care if you're gonna scold me stupid. and refuse to lend me your shoulders when I come crying. But I'm just the weird person that I am. take it or leave it

Flipped through street fashion blogs and rediscovered my passion for weird and unconventional dressing.It is amazing how people from various countries across the globes (namely those which has four seasons) dress up so differently and interestingly, and yet not look too crinch-worthy. One may think 'oh my god! what is that! but you knw what? it works on him/her!' It is a comment that I long to plant on people's heads whenever I dress weird or different. I have never been one to follow trends. I wear whatever I feel like wearing. I frown when I see people on the streets trying to covert this season's trends avidly. Well, if the look works well on them, then all is good and well. But sometimes things go awry. I admit I do make fashion mistakes at times, overwhelming my frame with many pieces of cloths and not having a focal point. See...you can only get better when you're real bad.

The shopping bug hits again. But this time $$$$$ is short. Far east is making me vomit. Perhaps I should try salvation army for things to mix and match with. I 'm hopping I might pick up a few strange but wearable pieces.

Thank you girls for the lovely little surprise. I appreciate it very much =)

I study,run,teach and talk to people. I live my life as I deem fit. When once I feel I've been running and hiding away from things, now it suddenly seems clear to me that I have always been searching.But what am I searching for? Am I searching for answers within others? If so, what kind of answers do I seek? Do I seek reassurance? To ascertain my self-worth? Or could I have been searching for someone? Which I have always vehemently deny, because my stubborn self thinks there is no need to depend on another close being for my own happiness as it would most probably only be short-lived.

I would like to think that I'm not conflicted. I have goals to work towards, dreams I want fulfilled, and an independence of mind that I developed through time. But at times, my feelings get all awry, and a flurry of emotions surface and bury all my senses. Most of the time I just suck it in, and get on with life. But sometimes, loneliness really sets in. because no one understands how it feels to be so trapped.

Some days I feel strong. I look forward with my head held high and I tell myself, I don't need him or any other guy to complete my life. I live for myself, and no one else. I must therefore be able to find happiness and fulfillment in myself before I can love someone truely. I read. study, teach, run and smile and laugh really hard. They do lift my spirits most of the time. I have good friends who keep me sane. But at odd times of the day, or rather, some days, I feel so down, that no amount of consolation helps. The memories seem faint and far away now. I don't look back with tears anymore. But I still feel resentful at the way I was treated. My sister says this is called self pity plus self absorbation. Well, she's most probably right. Resentment is not good. self pity and self absorbtion is not good.

Soldier on aileen =)

You can only get worse,
before you get better.

The next guy who comes along must have these basic qualities.

1) Tall, handsome, intelligent
2) allows me to keep quiet when i don't feel like talking, and not feel the need to ask me what's wrong.
3) humble, honest, down to earth, unpretentious
4) does not club or smoke
5) not screwed up or have a troubled background
6) must allow me to wear heels. and understands the need for me to wear heels.
7) must be able to sing
8) must be good at something.

any other vices or flaws, I'm willing to compromise.

Teo says the list seems impossible. which means I'll have to be content with being single for the rest of my life. Well, I learnt that if having loved someone once could bring you so much pain, then i would rather not have loved at all. Once is enough. I'm never going to allow myself to be treated that way again.

I have a normal functional family. I should stop getting involved with troubled screwed up people. Its not healthy

I'm into self-help books! They do help =)

When will I see your face again.

The song echoes in my head.

The tears come at odd moments. They come when I wake in the morning, when I sleep at night, and several more times in the middle of the day. I cry for the memories that refuse to stop rearing its ugly head at me. I cry for my stupidity in not constructing a contingent plan. I cry at the loss of an exciting and thrilling life with a person who is most wrong for me. I want to go to a place where I won't fall into a quagmire and sink leaving only my hands outstretched. I'm glad we didn't hang out at my favourite places. or he would have left his ugly footprints on places I love.

This relationship is very different from most others, and yet strangely similar to every other one. I expected the gullible, naive, funny boy who was so totally devoted to me in the past. but unexpectedly get a mutation in a totally different form now. Do I like the person he is now? Sure! of course I do. Do I love him? Do I really really love him? I don't know. All I know is that I look forward to seeing him all the time, and there is nothing I won't do for him. Even if its the most difficult of task. Is that love? has my liking grow to love in the short span of time?

When I sit alone in the dark corner, and don't do or say a thing, I listen to what my heart tells me. It whispers very softly, but firmly to me. 'Aileen, this is not love. This is not how love is supposed to feel like. this is not how love is supposed to BE like.' Then I feel sad all over again and my heartache acts up once more.So why do I feel such a strong feeling of being lost, of losing, and of great pain? My heart says ' Well, its because love was a game to you at first. You seeked to make the person like you more than you'll like him. he was an easy person to manipulate because you didn't know he changed and that was why you chose him.But the person he is now isn't the person you used to know. instead of playing a good game, you ended up playing a dangerous game because he raised the stakes by playing along with you. The more challenging he is, the more lies you have to tell him, until even you believe your own lies. The more he tried to push you away, the more risks you took just so you can win the game. Men are old hand when it comes to such games. Even though they may not be experienced in the field, their instincts are dead accurate. They know when to let go. You can't, because you're a girl. You're a silly girl who plays with fire, and got yourself burnt even without knowing it. Just like walking around happily with your hair on fire. You don't feel satisfied because you LOST THE GAME. not because you lost him. Now that i've made everything clear to you, get your butt moving and forget him.'

I didn't grow up from what happened. I just grew stronger.

Walls close in around me
at every turn I take.
There is nowhere to run to
to take refuge
from the ache of the heart,
from the memories
which threaten to open floodgates.
from the deep regret lodged in the throat,

Walls I will build around myself.
As strong as a fortress
as sturdy as bricks.
indestructable, impenetrable, unfallible.

There will be laughter
But tears accompany it.
Both are cathartic.
But, the echoes of laughter around the fortress,
will surely be preferred to the echoes
of painful moaning.

Let there always be laughter
in these walls.
Laughter that fills the air with joy
that never really reaches the heart.
that disappears among sorrow.
laughter that fills the air with joy
but somehow never reaches the eyes.
that dissolves into tears and
disintegrates into deep misery.
Resounding laughter that tickles and tingles,
forever betraying the bubbling
cauldron of hot, stinging tears.

The weather is depressing.

My heart aches all of a sudden. To possess something and to suddenly lose it, all in a short period of time, is a scay thing to go through.

When you tell a lie and insist its the truth, you'll eventually believe its the truth, nothing but the whole truth.

I feel nothing at all. It is both the truth and a lie.