I've been going around in circles. But I woke up realising something. I only want one thing. and all the beating around the bush were just excuses. I was just defensive about the one thing that I really wanted. I used to be able to get this one thing, just by reaching out my hands. Sometimes a little pull and tug is required. But I had no qualms laying out my bare hands and playing my part to obtain this thing. But somehow, shit happened. and I learnt that doing that is dangerous. and will only end with misery if the outcome is not as expected. I'm not as forthcoming as i was anymore. instead of awaiting hard knocks to topple me, I prefer to protect myself with layers of bricks, pretty paint and varnish.

It is becoming so difficult to trust again. I'm not a suspicious person by nature. I trust very willingly and easily. But that is before shit happened. There is now a tussle between wanting to be bought over, and wanting to steer myself out of harm's way. I hate the feeling of being restrained by my subconscious constantly reminding me to step back. I feel tired. Yet, I know that this is the right thing to do. My instincts tells me that its not time to step over. I was almost won over by circumstances which dictates otherwise. But then, the very same circumstance that gave me the green light to step forward, pulled me by the hair and dragged me back again.

I wonder why he has such mean words for his brother. Could he be jealous? afterall, sibling rivalry can be quite vicious. Or could it be that he was telling the truth, as he had no reason to lie to me, since he regards me as a good friend. He says, its his brother. of course he'll know his brother better than an outsider. But then again, I still find it dubious. He keeps to himself all the time, and isn't close to this brother in particular. So how would he be able to view things in an unbiased way?

My gut feeling tells me they dislike each other. But I'm not sure who dislikes the other more. Both are driving me crazy. I hear different sides to a story. they both seem dubious, but could also be the truth, at the same time. Perhaps they're not lies, but merely uncompleted truths.