I'm not an atheist. I'm a catholic. I believe in the existence of God, of divine help, of spiritual enlightenment, and of course, of the Virgin Mary. It is just that I don't go to church at all. Don't ask me why. Its not something I can explain or express in words properly. I once tried to explain it to Jerms, but even though he was intellectual and deeply philosophical, he didn't exactly quite get what I was trying to say. And so, I give up.



I always think that not going to church doesn't mean that you don't believe in God. Its all in the heart, I think. To be truthful, I never really think of God in times of need. Whenever I'm feeling so hurt about something, I just cry my heart and guts and lungs and kidneys out. I never ask why God is doing this to me. Perhaps subconciously I know that there is a reason why He puts me through such agony. You hear stories of how ppl blame God or question why are they being put on such difficult tests when all their lives they have been doing God's will and serving Him. Its like the more you love and trust Him, the more pain you feel because you think you deserve better if not more - This is probably one of the reasons why I reserve my love for the Almighty, deep deep down in my heart and not proclaim to the world about it. Sometimes I push it so deep down that I can't see or feel it. But somehow or rather, it would surface again to remind me that this feelings exist.



The talk with Miss D.M.M as well as the book I picked up from the void deck are fine examples. I'm not gonna go into preaching mode and tell you that God put them there for me.