A thought suddenly occured to me the other day.

Have you ever observed someone else's desperate desire to hold on to something? A mother desperately trying to rein her uncontrollable daughter in, A wife desperately trying to onto a marriage that is crumbling, A person desperately trying to hold onto someone who has already turned their back.

It is an ugly scene. The party doing the holding on, would display all sorts of actions and behaviours very untypical to what he or she would normally do. In the act of desperation, nothing matters more than to be able to grasp the person and to pull the person to your side. Your life, career, family, friends, pride, everything is cast aside. everything is at stake if one does not manage to succeed. When you are next to a person like that, you would feel that the person is a total stranger. Things you wouldn't expect one would do, one does it. and one does it all.

I must have terrified you all. But I think the person most terrified of my odd actions and behaviours, was myself. I couldn't understand what and why I was laying down everything for a bugger. I most certainly was not able to stop, take a deep breath and step away to look at myself from the sides. Well, you might come up with the arguement that no one could have reflected on their own being when they're put in such circumstances. But I chide myself because I've been in a similar situation before.

This thought didn't occur to me until late. I felt a sense of dejavu. but couldn't quite put a finger to it. As I was desperately trying to hold on to him, my mother was desperately trying to rein me in. backtrack almost four years ago, I tried desperately to hold on to a friend whom I felt was slipping further and further away from me. I remember trying so hard. the outings, telephone conversations and the many text messages. the normal person that I am, is proud, conceited, cool, level headed and sensible. All that was thrown out the window and down the drain during the two seperate incidents.

I am ashamed of myself. I vow never to allow anyone to peel off my tough exterior again. Losing control of oneself is a scary thing. The worse thing is that it happens when you're least aware.