I'm not an atheist. I'm a catholic. I believe in the existence of God, of divine help, of spiritual enlightenment, and of course, of the Virgin Mary. It is just that I don't go to church at all. Don't ask me why. Its not something I can explain or express in words properly. I once tried to explain it to Jerms, but even though he was intellectual and deeply philosophical, he didn't exactly quite get what I was trying to say. And so, I give up.



I always think that not going to church doesn't mean that you don't believe in God. Its all in the heart, I think. To be truthful, I never really think of God in times of need. Whenever I'm feeling so hurt about something, I just cry my heart and guts and lungs and kidneys out. I never ask why God is doing this to me. Perhaps subconciously I know that there is a reason why He puts me through such agony. You hear stories of how ppl blame God or question why are they being put on such difficult tests when all their lives they have been doing God's will and serving Him. Its like the more you love and trust Him, the more pain you feel because you think you deserve better if not more - This is probably one of the reasons why I reserve my love for the Almighty, deep deep down in my heart and not proclaim to the world about it. Sometimes I push it so deep down that I can't see or feel it. But somehow or rather, it would surface again to remind me that this feelings exist.



The talk with Miss D.M.M as well as the book I picked up from the void deck are fine examples. I'm not gonna go into preaching mode and tell you that God put them there for me.

I found another person to philosophise with. Its a feeling of liberation when talking to Miss D.M.M. There are really only a few whom I can philosophise with without feeling like I'm boring the other person with all my theories and odd question

Self reflection is very important, I realised. it makes a person so much more sensible, especially after experiencing a crisis. Many people block out self reflection, probably because they're embarrassed at whatever happened and wouldn't want to be reminded about the incident which made them act the way they did. I used to be like that too. I moved on too fast, without forcing myself to think back on the reasons why these things happen. and well, when crisis of the similar sort happened, I just shrug it off yet again. That was the old Aileen. I guess I've grown up and learnt to deal with issues and self reflect so as not to repeat the same mistakes again.

With age comes wisdom. Well, you might not necessarily come to know of the secret of the universe, but you sure become a little enlightened each year you grow older.

I've stopped mopping around and feeling moody already. I'm thankful cuz this reaction is considered very very very mild. It could have been worse. I pride myself on the ability to move on constantly. Its a feeling of triumph after the storm. Well... I'm Aileen. not any normal ah lian or ah hua u see on the streets. sure, i haf a penchant for ah bengs, and immature guys. But I'm still Aileen Almighty.

so it was insecurity that finally destroyed us.

Love does not seek to hurt. Love appreciates, is unconditional and at its heart is respect for the individual. Where there is no respect for a person and their feelings, there is no love.

I have the honour of meeting a lying. cheating. coward.

I am suddenly fascinated with why men ar ethe way they are.

why can't they keep their hands to themselves.
what are they thinking when they see other women behind their spouse's back?
do they feel guilty?

infidelity

would you give your boyfriend another chance if you knoew he cheated on you?

Would you give your husband another chance if u found out he had an affair?

i once had this conversation with someone about whether two people should still stay married if one of them commited adultery. She said. its not so much about the party commiting adultery. its more of whether the two people can still stay together knowing that this has happened. you may be surprised that most of the time, when this happens, people still stay married. not because of the kids, but because of the wife's magnanimousity.(i'm assuming that men would mostly be the ones having affairs.)

in retrospect, deep down in the reccesses of my heart, I do agree with what was said. whether two people can stay together after one party has had an affair, depends very much on the willingness of the other party to forgive and tolerate. My rational side tells me that this theory is crazy. how can any woman stand sharing her man. i would feel repulsed if i were to continue living with a man who had cheated on me with another woman. But i surprised myself yet again, when my heart tells me 'its okie. give him another chance. you can help him change.' that's probably what battered women, and women who have cheating husbands say to themselves. heck. they might even say it to themselves every morning when they get out of bed and when they sleep at night.

The rational side of me tells me that a woman might be crazy if she is willing to torture herself with thoughts of whether her man would pull another fast one on her. But the heart tells me 'you can try and trust him again. its all up to you now. you must be strong. he's a man after all and men are known not to keep their hands to themselves.'

I'm so disappointed with myself for swaying more towards the heart.

if only you would just apologize. I would consider taking you back again.

its just a thought. I really don't know if i have the courage to torture myself with trust issues if he really does ask.