If everything were that simple.

We were sitting on swings. and lamenting about how things cannot be as simple as it used to be when we were a child. Our appetite just gets greater and greater as we grow older. We want more and more things. And it takes even greater effort to acquire satisfaction.

Would you want to go back to being a child again?

Well, I wouldn't. Living as a child again, means having to go through the painful process of growing up all over again. Sure, I would do many things differently if I were to be a child again. But having to journey through childhood is tiresome. Let's just say that I'm an impatient person. I would rather fast forward to the near future, to see what the maturing process is like. I would embrace death even, when it comes.

Remember the happy uplifting feeling you felt when you were on a swing as a child? Rmbr telling the person swinging you : higher! higher! or stop! stop! too high!

I remember feeling so happy on swings and screaming for my dad to swing me higher. He would say : cannot la! too high already! later you fall off! but he'll still continue to give the swing a gentle push, just so that i can continue swinging, though not necessary higher.

What we get now on swings are headaches or giddiness. swings still make me glower with child-like anticipation. Especially when the playgrounds now rarely have swings and sands just like the good old days. But i can never feel that simple satisfaction and happiness when swinging on one anymore.

If only there was neverland...

i'm dead. i'm dead. i'm so dead.

I should be studying instead of typing this.

But oh well!

They fought. He should have given way theoretically. But he did what he had to, in self-defence. Yes. They dislike each other. Its a pity. They were close in the past.

I don't even know her. She looks fine, no bitchy face whatsoever. But I still dislike her. I dislike her very much. I dislike her with a vengeance. No prize for guessing why.

ARGH! She used my pen. I so don't want it anymore.

ARGH! My watch is still with him. I want it back.

Poor H. He just got released from the hospital, and had to go back in again.

I don't know whether to laugh or cry for him. I laughed anyway. haha. I couldn't help it. Hope he's alright.

I've been going around in circles. But I woke up realising something. I only want one thing. and all the beating around the bush were just excuses. I was just defensive about the one thing that I really wanted. I used to be able to get this one thing, just by reaching out my hands. Sometimes a little pull and tug is required. But I had no qualms laying out my bare hands and playing my part to obtain this thing. But somehow, shit happened. and I learnt that doing that is dangerous. and will only end with misery if the outcome is not as expected. I'm not as forthcoming as i was anymore. instead of awaiting hard knocks to topple me, I prefer to protect myself with layers of bricks, pretty paint and varnish.

It is becoming so difficult to trust again. I'm not a suspicious person by nature. I trust very willingly and easily. But that is before shit happened. There is now a tussle between wanting to be bought over, and wanting to steer myself out of harm's way. I hate the feeling of being restrained by my subconscious constantly reminding me to step back. I feel tired. Yet, I know that this is the right thing to do. My instincts tells me that its not time to step over. I was almost won over by circumstances which dictates otherwise. But then, the very same circumstance that gave me the green light to step forward, pulled me by the hair and dragged me back again.

I wonder why he has such mean words for his brother. Could he be jealous? afterall, sibling rivalry can be quite vicious. Or could it be that he was telling the truth, as he had no reason to lie to me, since he regards me as a good friend. He says, its his brother. of course he'll know his brother better than an outsider. But then again, I still find it dubious. He keeps to himself all the time, and isn't close to this brother in particular. So how would he be able to view things in an unbiased way?

My gut feeling tells me they dislike each other. But I'm not sure who dislikes the other more. Both are driving me crazy. I hear different sides to a story. they both seem dubious, but could also be the truth, at the same time. Perhaps they're not lies, but merely uncompleted truths.

Do you believe in karma?

I'm starting to. Its good that there is something that can kind of explain things that is very difficult to explain with logic.

When really bad things happen, and you fall so deeply that there seems to be no bottom, don't give up. allow yourself to wallow, but leave some space for light. because something very good might happen after this. Things are already bad as it is. take it as a test of your endurance. Only when you experience the worse, then will you be able to experience the best.
You may be very rich, but unhappy, or you may be very rich, but die young. Its karma.

I so totally dig this analogy. Its by S.